Funny Chinese Jokes and Amusing Pictures

Funny Chinese Jokes, Amusing Pictures and Short Stories

Here is Will and Guy's collection of short Chinese jokes to reflect the humour of this ancient culture.

• Chinese Jokes and Funny Stories
• Chinese Humour, Parables and Tall Stories
• Traditional Chinese Sense of Humour
• Confucius Chinese Jokes
• Funny Chinese proverbs
• More Funny Chinese Jokes and Amusing Pictures
• Chinese Short Stories
• More Chinese Short Jokes

• Chinese New Year in 2011 starts on February 3rd

Never Judge By Appearance: A Salutary Chinese Tale

At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.

A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.

At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.

When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'

The Story of Chen and The Cakes

Chen was extremely hungry, so he left work and went to a local snack bar where he bought a cake.  When Chen had eaten the cake, he found that he was still famished, and so he ate a second one.

Even then he was not full up and promptly ate six cakes in succession, but he hadn't satisfied his hunger.  Not until Chen had eaten the seventh cake did he feel satisfied.

Then, suddenly, he had a feeling of regret. 'Ah, if I had known this before, I would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and there would not have been any need to eat those six others.'

Huang Fu and the Bottle of Wine Parable

Huang Fu was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Hop. Huang Fu gave Hop a bottle and said, 'Buy me a bottle of wine.'

Hop, the poor farmhand enquired, 'How can I buy you wine with no money at all?'
Huang Fu replied disdainfully, 'Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.'

Time elapsed and Hop eventually returned farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Fu and murmured, 'Enjoy the wine, please.'

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, 'There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?'

Hop replied to Huang Fu, with a straight face, 'Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some.  It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.'

Huang Fu made a choking sound but was unable to utter a word.

More Chinese Jokes

Lok and the Pair of Shoes Saga

Lok owned two pairs of boots, one with thick soles and the other with thin soles.

He climbed out of bed one morning and he made the mistake of putting one of each of the boots on, which made walking very uncomfortable. 'How strange! How is it that my legs aren't the same length today?' Lok asked himself in surprise.

A friend passing by told him, 'Oy, Lok, your boots aren't a pair.'

Hearing this Lok hurried home to change his boots.  However, when he got home and saw the other boots, Lok thought for a moment and said to himself, 'There's no need to change.  These other two are not a pair either. One is thick and the other thin.'

Wanted 30 Chinamen - And a Zepplin

Shanyuan and the Lie or Always Tell the Truth

Hong was a rogue, a charlatan and a rascal, but he a hard life and barely managed to keep body and soul together.  He often was close to starving.  So one day Hong happened to pass a household that was holding the funeral of one of its family members.

Quickly, Hong slipped into the house and cried bitterly in front of the memorial tablet of the dead. Nobody knew him, so, surprised, people asked him why he cried.

'I was best friends with the dead. We hadn't seen each other for months.  Now he has passed away, how could I not feel sad? Since I just happened to be passing, I wasn't prepared for this.  All I can do now is to cry for my best friend, which is an expression of our friendship.'

The family was deeply moved by Hong's comments and promptly asked him to stay to dinner.  On his way home Hong met an old friend, Shanyuan, whose life was equally precarious.  'Where did you manage to eat and drink today?' Shanyuan asked the roguish Hong, who told him the story from beginning to end.

The next day Shanyuan also found a family that was holding a funeral and cried likewise.  When they asked him the reason, he replied that he was a best friend of the dead.  Before he had finished, however, Shanyuan received a storm of punches and kicks.

It transpired that the deceased of the family was a young housewife.

Chinese Humour, Parables and Tall Stories

10 of the Best Chinese Proverbs

1. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
2. A life with love is happy; a life for love is foolish.
3. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
4. A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
5. Three humble shoemakers brainstorming make a great statesman.
6. Visiting monks give better sermons.
7. He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
8. An ambitious horse will never return to its old stable.
9. A conversation with a wise person is worth of ten years' study of books.

    ♪

10. Chinese 'Cracked Pot' Parable

Chinese Restaurants are Always Good for a Laugh

How much does a Chinese restaurant weigh? ............ Won Ton

More Funny Chinese Jokes and Amusing Pictures

It's a Dog's Life

One evening, Bill and Jackson's wives decided to dine out a new Chinese Restaurant.  Jackson's wife Julie was inseparable from her Pekingese dog called 'Pepe'.  So Took took Pepe along with them to the restaurant.   Whenever they went to their usual restaurant the manager's wife looked after Pepe while they ate, and they thought it would be no different this new restaurant.

Julie and her friend Rachel, gave Pepe to the owner and went to their seats.  They ordered their meal, had a few drinks and eventually their meal arrived.  They were mortified when it turned out to be their beloved Pepe surrounded by Chop Suey.

As the owner explained the next day to Bill and Jackson, they thought that Julie and Rachel wanted the chef to cook the dog, not look after it while the women dined.

Follow-up

In 2010 China are proposing a new law to ban eating dog meat.  Despite being an ancient custom eating 'fragrant meat', as dog meat is euphemistically know, to be punished by a fine of up to 5,000 yuan (£450) and 15 days in jail.

From serving it with turtle to stewing it with snake, China has savoured the delights of dog and cat meat for thousands of years. But now, the country known for its experimental culinary traditions could be about to end a centuries-old custom and remove both animals from the menu.

As part of a drive against animal abuse parliament, will consider the bill at the National People’s Congress, in April 2010.  Those defending eating dog meat point to its value in Chinese medicine for kidney complaints.  Fragrant meat is not universally liked in China, and its stronghold is in Jaingsu province in the south east of the country.

Funny Signs in a Chinese Lift

Funny Chinese Story

Arresting Barbeque in China

An escaped convict has been recaptured at a party organised at the local police station. Police in Xinzhu city, Taiwan, invited residents to celebrate the Moon Festival with them.  Officers could not believe their eyes when they saw an escaped drug dealer called Chen, who had just been listed as one of the city's most wanted criminals, at the party.  Police officer Cai Zhengtong, who was in charge of the barbecue, said, 'I saw a man dressed in an eye-catching yellow windbreaker enter the place and sit in the corner. He was enjoying the barbecue with the others.  I really couldn't believe my eyes, since the man was just the criminal we were seeking.'

Police at the party quickly arrested Chen. He told officers he thought it would have been the last place police would have thought of looking for him.

Traditional Sense of Humour - More Chinese Yarns

Prime Minister Chang was happy enough to write, but he didn't put in a lot of care into his brush strokes. Everybody sneered at his bad handwriting, and the Prime Minister himself really didn't care.

One day Chang thought of a beautiful sentence and at once wielded his writing brush to write it down, indeed, there were dragons flying and snakes dancing all over the paper. Then he ordered his secretary to write it out neatly.

When beginning to copy, his secretary stared tongue-tied and did not know where to start. The young man had to take the manuscript back to the Prime Minister.

'Prime Minister Chang, I can't read your handwriting, please tell me what words they are.'

The Prime Minister read his cursive hand a long time, and did not know what Chinese characters they were, either. He then turned to blame his secretary. 'Why didn't you come earlier to ask me? I myself have forgotten the words which I've written.'

How To Speak Chinese Funny

• I think you need a face lift..................... Chin Tu Fat
• Stupid man.......................................... Dum Gai 
• Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
• I thought you were on a diet.................. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• It's very dark in here............................. Wai So Dim?
• See more funny Chinese speak

The Problem with Speaking English

• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
• Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

20 Number 6 - Classic Chinese English Joke

It was Chinese New Year.  Bill and Jackson had just staggered back home from a hard night's drinking when they noticed that a menu from the new restaurant next door had come through the letter box.  On a whim they decided to round off the evening with a take-away.  Jackson, was just off out of the door to fetch their meal when Bill turned to him and said, 'Please get me 20 number 6 while you're at the take-away.

Jackson returned with their chicken Chou Mein, sweet and sour pork and 20 portions of egg fried rice.  Bill said, 'Where's me fags'. Jackson said, 'What cigarettes, you asked for 20 number 6 and that's what you've got, enough egg fried rice to feed a Chinese Junk from Shanghai to Hong Kong'.

Bill said, 'When I was last in England Embassy No 6 was a packet of fags.'

Strange Story by Reuters - Chinese Convert Cigarettes to Medicine

Xian in China, is crushing fake cigarettes to make medicine, Xinhua news agency said on Sunday.

The north-western city of Xian is using the counterfeit cigarettes to extract solanesol, a compound found in tobacco which is used to treat cardiovascular disease, it said.

'We used to incinerate the fake cigarettes, which is wasteful and causes air pollution, 'Xinhua quoted Zhou Yaqing, vice director of the provincial tobacco monopoly, as saying.

A kilo of solanesol is worth about $200, and 30 tons of tobacco leaf can produce up to 120 kilos, Xinhua added.

China is the world's largest cigarette producer, with a growing market of about 320 million. Chinese cigarettes are also among the cheapest in the world -- a packet can cost as little as 8 U.S. cents -- and smoking kills 1.2 million people a year in China, according to the World Health Organisation.

Fake cigarettes, made of poor quality tobacco and often topped up with wood chips, are commonly sold on Chinese streets.

Confucius Chinese Jokes

Brief History of Confucius (also spelled 'Confucious')

Confucius (551-479 BC) was a famous Chinese philosopher from the Zhou Dynasty.  He is the source of many aspects of Chinese culture and beliefs.  His style was to teach humanity through stories with moral or philosophical point, his subject matter encompassed ethics, people's relationships, politics, justice, and sincerity. 

Two examples of true Confucius philosophy are:
I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

What has happened in the last 75 years or so is that Confucius's philosophy and style have been hi-jacked for a western interpretation of Chinese jokes.  Mao banned Confucianism which probably increased its popularity, particularly in the West.

Will and Guy Ten Favourite Clean Confucius Jokes

1. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
2. He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.
3. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like bananas.
4. A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
5. Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
6. Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
7. Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress. 
8. Man who dream of eating giant mushroom - wake up with no pillow.
9. War doesn't determine who's right.  War determines who's left.
10. When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Confucius on Cars!
Clearly, there were no cars in Confucius time; but as usual, comics never let historical accuracy get in the way of a good joke.

• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.
• Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
• See more funny Chinese proverbs.

Footnote
Please send us your funny Chinese jokes.

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