Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd
been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.
Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been "rooting around" so rang her ten
closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
The following week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him
where he'd been. So Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place
and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.
Sheila thinks he's been "rooting around" so rings his ten best mates.
In true Aussie style - eight of them say he spent the night there and two
claim he's still there.
Droll and Witty Aussie Humour About 'Phoning Heaven'
Jay, an American, was commissioned to write a book about famous churches
around the world. Firstly, Jay bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Columbus, Ohio, USA, thinking that he would start by working his way across
the USA from East to West.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".
Jay was intrigued so he asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God. Jay thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Des Moines, Iowa and there at a very large cathedral, he
saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. Jay
wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in Columbus and
he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God. Seriously polite, Jay thanked the nun for her help.
Jay then travelled
all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same
"$US10,000 per call" sign under it.
Jay decided to travel to the southern hemisphere to Australia to see if
they had a similar phone. He arrived at Western Australia, and again, in the
first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but
this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call."
Somewhat surprised, Jay asked the priest about the sign. 'Father Brian,
I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone
in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of
them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
Father Brian smiled and answered, 'My son, you're in Australia now -
this is Heaven, so it's only a local call.'
Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd
of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least
twice as large as your cows.'
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?'
'Glen', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas.'
Will and Guy discovered that a 2011 study found that the average
Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that
Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That
means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.
Back in 1948 General Motors introduced an Australian built car, the
Holden. With minor changes they kept building the same model until 1956.
There were supposed to be only about two dozen different keys for the model
so if you had a few different keys the cars were very easy to steal.
A pal of my father's, Kevin Sutherland bought one in the mid 1950s and it
was stolen a few months later. The village had only about 1100 people so
police didn't have much to search and didn't find it. Some weeks later
Mr Sutherland went to the Queensland capital, Brisbane. That was about
750 miles away by road. While walking down the main street of the city he
saw his car parked almost in front of his hotel. He rushed to his
room, took his house key ring which still had the car keys on it, and drove
the car to the nearest police station to report he had recovered it.
The newspaper he had bought the day it was stolen was still on the back
seat.
Footnote: Classic Australian story kindly sent in by Ken England
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots,
especially during evening hours, the Melbourne City Council, Australia has
established a "Women Only" parking lot.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a
comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Please see below for the first picture available of this world-first
parking lot in Australia:
'Sheila's Do Great' - Say Will and Guy, in
Husband-Dragging Contest
You can't keep a good woman down, say Will and Guy.
We are delighted to inform you that as well as the traditional Wife
Carrying Championships in Singleton, NSW, Australia now the Countryfest
includes the first joint Wife Carrying and Husband Dragging Contest.
We have been told by our Aussie mate, Shane, that the men must act as a
dead weight and be pulled by their partner from a makeshift bar "depicting a
traditional Aussie weekend where the female drags her man out of the pub."
What fun!
Hang Glider Surfs Cloud Wave
This photograph was taken in the Gulf of Carpentaria, Northern Australia.
They illustrate the unparalleled beaut of the Morning Glory Cloud, a
phenomenon that occurs between September and November each year.
When these clouds form hang gliders and paragliders surf these cloud
waves. However, they have to be careful because the waves produce
turbulence
Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who
had broken into his house the previous night.
'You'll get your chance in court,' the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.
'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,'
pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'
ф
Queensland Floods 2011
Any truth in the rumour that Brisbane is twinned with New Orleans?
Picture taken after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans 2007.
Footnote: While many of us may smirk at these funny
disaster pictures, our hearts go out to the disaster victims. Will and
Guy's justification in publishing these images is that humour can help
people come out of the slough of dispair.
Funny, Odd, Interesting, Relatively Useless and Random
Australian Trivia Will and Guy's Top Ten
»
Each and every part of Australia is within a distance
of 1000km from ocean or a beach.
30,028 square km of land is under cattle ranch. This
area size is almost the same as that of the whole Belgium.
People of Queensland in Australia are called "Banana
Benders", and "Sand Gropers" is the name given to the people from
Western Australia.
There are nearly 20,000,000 people in Australia, of
which approximately 80% live in cities next to the sea.
Australia has, probably, the lowest population density
of any country in the world, ie, 2 people per square km. Japan has 327
people/2km
The area of Australia that is covered by snow in
winter is larger than the area of Switzerland.
70% of the world's wool comes from Australia. We have
over 126,000,000 sheep, which use fully half the continent for grazing.
The longest fence in the world is in Australia, and it
runs for over 5,530 kms. It's designed to keep dingoes away from the
sheep.
The wine cask, the ubiquitous plastic bag full of wine
contained in a cardboard box, was invented in Australia in 1967.
Qantas stands for Queensland And Northern
Territory Aerial Services.
Footnote: Please send us your funny Australian jokes
and stories.
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