Funny English Jokes

Will and Guy's Collection of Funny English Jokes

Andy told me he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"

• Growing Old in England - A Funny English Story
• Older Than Dirt Quiz:
• The Problem with Speaking English
• English Humour - Message from Her Majesty the Queen
• An Englishman Irishman....

Replacement Windows – A Funny English Joke

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters.  Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

A True English Rose - Funny English Yarn

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.

After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

More Classic, Funny, English Jokes

• Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
• What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
• They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
• An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
  'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
  'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.

Growing Old in England - A Funny English Story

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called "at home,"' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the other person was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.  But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, or had a credit card.
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers.
• We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem.
• My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.
• Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
• There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
• If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
• Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Memories of Old England

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. 

In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.  She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old!

How many of these do you remember?

• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Your age ratings is at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]).
7. Peashooters
8. 45 RPM records
9. Wash tub wringers
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Ford Zephyrs

If you remembered  0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered  4-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered  7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-14 = You're older than dirt!

Don't forget to test your your really OLD friends....

Results of Quiz

What's amazing is that althought Will scored 14, and Guy 13, neither of us can remember who won last year's world series, or the 2008 cup final.

More Age Tests - How Old is Grandmother?

Funny English Jokes from Yorkshire

• Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman.  He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room.  Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see."  To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
• At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it.  From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"

The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

See more on quirky English humour

Only in England

• Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
• Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

See more Only in... English jokes

Classic Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman Joke

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

See more Englishman, Irishman.... jokes

English Humour - Message from Her Majesty the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

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