Funny History Jokes

Will and Guy's Humour In History

Will and Guy are convinced that humour, laughter and jokes have been with us since the beginning of human life on earth and we would like to share some jokes with you that have an historical background.

Funny History Jokes

• Funny Historical Facts, Jokes, Trivia and Fun
• Our Top 10 Hilarious, Funny, Witty Jokes from History
• 6 Examples from The Laughter-lover - [Philgelos]
• 5 Hilarious, Short, and Funny History Exam Answers By Children
• 10 Hilarious, Clever, Short, Funnies: Mothers In History
• Assorted Random, Useless, Hilarious and Funny Historical Trivia
• Funny Historical Truths

Funny Historical Facts, Jokes, Trivia and Fun

Aristotle felt that laughter was a distinctive trait of humanity and one that distinguished humans from the animals.

Did you know that the eighth Duke of Devonshire, known to his friends as "Harty Tarty", was told off by Queen Victoria for picking his nose at dinner. A poor shot, he once killed a pheasant and his gun-dog and wounded two bystanders [one of whom was his chef] with a single cartridge.

Baldulf, the medieval soothsayer, prophesied to the king that his favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the soothsayer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned Baldulf and commanded him, 'Tell me when you will die!'

Baldulf realized that the king was planning to execute him straightaway, no matter what answer he gave. 'I do not know when I will die,' he cleverly answered finally. 'I only know that whenever I do die, you will die two days later.'

Our Top Ten Hilarious, Funny, Witty and Short Jokes from History

The Philgelos or "Laughter-lover" is probably the oldest compilation of jokes in existence; it contains some 265 jokes. It is said that the famous Monty Python Parrot sketch has its origins in a joke told in the Philogelos.

1. Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights.
2. It appears that shortest war on record was between Zanzibar and Britain in 1896. Zanzibar [now part of Tanzania] surrendered after 38 minutes.
3. What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and Ark lights
4. What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the Grate.
5. How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
6. I'm desperately trying to establish why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
7. Last words from a general in the American Civil War, 'Nonsense.
   They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist……………'
8. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied, 'In silence.' [From the Philogelos]
9. What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood. [The Victorians enjoyed jokes like this one]
10. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said, 'I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.' - Dated to the *Philogelos 4th Century CE]

One that almost got away:
Why did Henry VIII have so many wives? He liked to chop and change.

Six Further Examples from The Laughter-lover - [Philgelos]

• An intellectual, falling sick, had promised to pay the doctor if he recovered. When his wife nagged at him for drinking wine while he had a fever, he said, 'Do you want me to get healthy and be forced to pay the doctor?'
• An intellectual caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The intellectual expressed his amazement: 'How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!'
• An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had "departed", the intellectual replied: 'When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?'
• A glutton betrothed his daughter to another glutton. Asked what he was giving her as a dowry, he replied: 'A house whose windows face the bakery.'
• While a misogynist was paying his last respects to his wife, someone asked him: 'Who has gone to rest? He replied: 'Me, now that I'm alone.'
• A barber, an absent minded professor and a bald man go on a long journey together and have to camp out overnight so they decide to take it in turns to watch the luggage. The barber volunteers for the first watch while the other two sleep but soon gets bored so he decides to pass the time by shaving the professor's head. When his shift is up he wakes the professor who pats his head and exclaims, 'God, that barber is a real idiot, he's woken up baldy instead of me.'

The Ministry Of Mirth – A Government Agency

You may be further amused to learn that in 1953 Australia created Ministry of Mirth as part of their government structure. Their role was to find humour in the changes brought about by government and present that information to the public in an amusing and acceptable way.

We have managed to find an old photo of the Ministry of Mirth at work. Don't they look happy?

Short, True, Funny Story from 19th Century London

Robert Devonshire, a middle aged Londoner from Hackney, was faced with a difficult decision when choosing between two lovely ladies, Anna and Mary, both willing to join him in matrimony.

Although not particularly a religious man, Robert Devonshire found his way into St Martin's church and, kneeling down to pray, he asked God for advice on whether he should have Anna or Maria for his wife.

When Mr Devonshire got up he was most pleased to see that the Almighty had put the answer right before his eyes: 'Ave Maria.'

He left the church a delighted man.

A Witty and Funny Old Joke from a History Lesson in the USA

In an American history discussion group, Professor Langer was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. 'For example, he said, 'take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five-feet, one-inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?'

The class fell silent for a moment.
Then Freddie piped up, 'Not very well.'
'Why is that?' asked Professor Langer.
'For one thing,' Freddie added, 'She'd be way too old.'

Five Hilarious, Short, and Funny History Exam Answers By Children

1. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign
2. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the setters. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
3. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. he wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
4. In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
5. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the visitor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greek were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Ten Hilarious, Clever, Short, Funnies: Mothers In History

• Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
• Paul Revere's Mother: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.
• Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?
• George Washington's Mother: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.
• Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.
• Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written.
• Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.
• Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.
• Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
• Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?
• An extra laugh for posterity: Jonah's Mother: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years.

Funny 'Punch' History Cartoon

Hitler and Stalin in a Punch cartoon meeting over the prostrate body of Poland which Germany and the USSR invaded in 1939.

Jack and Jill Went up the Hill to Fetch a Pail of Water

Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Up got Jack, and home did trot As fast as he could caper
He went to bed and bound his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

The roots of this child's nursery rhyme is in France and the Jack and Jill referred to are Louis XVI who was beheaded [lost his crown] followed by his Queen Marie Antoinette [who came tumbling after]. The words and lyrics were made more palatable for the nursery by giving it a happy ending and has further been altered by the passage of time. The actual beheadings occurred in 1793. The first publication date for the lyrics of this nursery rhyme is 1795 which tie-in with the history and origins

Ten More Assorted Random, Useless, Hilarious and Funny Historical Trivia and Fun Facts

1. The Romans ate lead as a cure for diarrhoea. Lead is poisonous and thus killed off the entire Roman upper class within two centuries.
2. George Washington's "wooden" dentures were reputedly made from hippopotamus ivory and were mounted on gold.
3. Queen Elizabeth I of England was completely bald. She lost her hair after suffering from smallpox at the age of 29. To disguise her loss she always wore a wig.
4. After failing to cure the daughter of the Emperor Yizong [860-874] of a fever, the 20 best doctors in China were all beheaded.
5. William Pitt the Younger [1759-1806], former British Prime Minister, was advised by his doctors to cure his gout by drinking a bottle of port a day. He died from cirrhosis of the liver, aged 46.
6. When the grey exterior of the Presidential mansion was painted white to cover the fire damage caused by British forces in the War of 1812, the change in colour brought about the change in name of the building to the White House.
7. The designer of the Statue of Liberty, French sculptor Frederic-Auguste Bartholdi, used his wife as the model for the body and his mother as the model for the face.
8. In the nursery rhyme *Jack and Jill, Jack represented the French King, Louis XVI and Jill, his wife, was Marie Antoinette.
9. In 1912 the Titanic was sailing at 22 knots when she hit the iceberg.
10. George Washington wrote in 1774 that 'no thinking man' in America wanted independence from England?

See more on the 10 Commandments.

Footnote:
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