Funny Marriage Stories and Jokes

Funny Marriage Stories and Jokes

Will and Guy's collection of amusing and sometimes funny matrimony yarns and jokes

• Wedding Bells Again for Amazing Woman
• Good Insurance Policy?
• Marriage and Husbands
• A Heavenly Marriage
• 7 Funny Marriage Stories and Jokes

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.  Groucho Marx

Wedding Bells Again for Amazing Woman

Woman with Sense of Humour Marries 23 Times

Linda Wolfe, aged 68, who was first married at the age of 16, admits she became 'addicted to the romance' of getting hitched. Will and Guy note that grandmother, with 23 ex-husbands, has been recognised as the most married woman in the world. Mrs Wolfe from Anderson, Indiana, USA can no longer list her husbands in order but remembers the nicest was a Mr George Scott, her first and, at seven years, her longest marriage.

We find it amusing to record that she has been single now for 12 years, her longest stint unmarried since childhood, 'But I would get married again,' she told us laughing, 'because, you know, it gets lonely.'

More Funny Marriage Stories from Mrs Wolfe to Make You Smile

• Linda, once married the same man, Jack Gourley, three times.
• Her longest marriage lasted seven years. Her shortest was just 36 hours.
• Over the subsequent decades she married a one-eyed convict, a preacher, barmen, plumbers and musicians.
• Two were homeless and one beat her. Another put a padlock on her fridge.

Her last marriage, a decade ago, was a publicity stunt. It was to Glynn Wolfe, who in taking Linda as his bride meant he was the world's most married man, at 29 times. He died a year later aged 88.

Good Insurance Policy?

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer's haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000 USD] the amount of insurance on the barn.

'We don't give you the money,' a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.' 

'In that case,' replied the wife, 'cancel the policy I have on my husband.'

Marriage and Husbands

'Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.'

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A Heavenly Marriage

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'Back off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

7 Funny Marriage Stories and Jokes

1. Life Insurance

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade, Mrs Warren, a housewife, to buy a life insurance policy.

'Just imagine,' he pronounced, 'if your husband was to die tomorrow, what would you get?'

'Oh, a Yorkshire terrier dog, I think,' responded Mrs Warren brightly, 'they're so well-behaved.'

2. Since Marriage I've Changed

Only last week, in the local pub, I bumped into Ricky. We chatted over a pint and he surprised me by announcing, 'Mark, Rosie and I are getting a divorce.'

I was stunned, 'Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.'

'Well,' Ricky stated, 'ever since we got married, Rosie has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.'

'Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you?' I probed.
'Nah, I'm not bitter,' Ricky continued, 'now that I'm so improved, Rosie just isn't good enough for me.'

3. Wife's Birthday

'Today is my wife's birthday,' announces Archie to his mate, Bert.

'What are you getting for her?' enquires Bert.

'Make me an offer!' responds Archie with a grin.

4. Foolish Marriage?

After a lengthy quarrel, Mandy said to her husband, Dave, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.'

Dave replied quickly, 'Yes, Mandy, but I was in love and didn't notice it.'

5. Wedding Engagement

Enid, the bride to be, upon her engagement, went to her mother and told her, 'I've found a man just like father.'

Her mother replied, 'So, Enid, what do you want from me, sympathy?'

6. More Funny Quotations on Marriage

 By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

If your wife laughs at your joke, it means you either have a good joke, or a good wife.

7. Do You Know Your Wife?

'Is it true, Dad,' asked Laurence, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.'

'That happens everywhere, Laurence, everywhere?' responds his father.

Will and Guy's Philosophy

Our overall philosophy on humour is variety, we have a mixture of amusing videos, funny, yet clean jokes, mixed in with thought provoking pictures and the odd story, the theme in this section is 'Funny Marriage Stories '.

See more funny wedding jokes and father of the bride speeches

• Wedding jokes   • Wedding speech jokes   • Funny father of the bride speeches   • One-liners

• Happy marriage   • Funny marriage stories   • Marriage Bureau   • Funny bride pictures   • Home

• Maths of marriage   • Funny retirement jokes   • Funny women things   • Funny relationships jokes