Will and Guy are both qualified schoolteachers - History and Science
respectively - what we have found is there are three kinds of mathematicians;
those who can count and those who can't.

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his
homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks
it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for
aiding and abetting.

His classmate calms him down: "Nobody
will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names
of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on."
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his
completed assignment to the classmate for copying.

After the
deadline, the student asks: "Did you really change the names of all
the variables?" "Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a
function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it
to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the
timber of x+1..."

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily
and those who can't...

Mathematicians never die - they only loose some of their
functions.

'What is Pi?' A mathematician, 'Pi is the ratio of the
circumference of a circle to its diameter.' A computer programmer,
'Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.' A physicist, 'Pi is
3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005.' An engineer, 'Pi is about 22/7.'
A nutritionist, 'Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!' See more Pi humour
here:

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad, 'Do you know, daddy,
what I've found out?' 'No.' 'The new baby will be Chinese!'
'What?' 'Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows
that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese.'

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a
position as Vice President in a large corporation. The hiring
committee asked them all the same last question: The mathematician
was first. 'How much is 500 plus 500?', they asked, '1000.' he replied
without hesitation. 'Thank you,' they dismissed him. Next came the
statistician. 'How much is 500 plus 500?' 'On the average, 1000 with
95 % confidence,' replied the statistician. 'Thank you,' they
dismissed him. Thirdly appeared the accountant. 'How much is 500
plus 500?' 'What would you like it to be?' responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.

Two Physicists were riding in a hot air balloon and were blown off
course sailing over a mountain trail, and were completely lost.
They spotted a jogger running on the trail and they shouted, 'Can you
tell us where we are?' After a few minutes, the jogger yelled
back, 'You're up in a balloon.' One physicist said to the other,
'Just our luck to run into a mathematician'. 'How do you know he
was a mathematician?' asked the other. 'Well, in the first place he
took a long time to answer; second, his answer was 100% correct and
third, it was totally useless.'

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a
street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on
the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the
house.
Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the
house. The Physicist, 'The measurement wasn't accurate'. The
Biologists conclusion, 'They have reproduced'. The Mathematician,
'If now, exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty
again.'

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 and revealed
that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.

#

What is Maths?

Mr Robbins, the math teacher asked his student, 'What is the full
form of Maths, Rebecca?'

Appendix Why do Americans call it Math?
Yet the older generations of British refer to this subject as Maths?
Could it be because despite the ravages of age, we can still perform
multiple maths calculations in our heads, because they were drummed
into us 50 years ago?

Scenario : Robbie won't sit still in his maths class, disrupts other
students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best with a cane by the
Principal. He returns to class, sits still and thinks twice about
disrupting class again.

2014 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets
extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at
the Ford dealer. While I was talking to Bert, the mechanic, a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.... We all looked at each other, and the Bert asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little
piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.'

Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She
drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right
there.'