It is amazing what the medical profession will write. These are actual statements taken from
medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a
consultant or two at major hospitals.
The patient had
waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed
to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out
of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care
three times a week.
Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right
foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Keep Taking the Medicine Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle
said 'keep tightly closed.'
Quick Diagnosis Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'
Eating Disorder A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed
and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'
'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine.'
Timing My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. Ronnie
Shakes
Who Can You Trust? If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch
doctors. Jadelr and Cristina Cordova
#
The Specialist
'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.
'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.
'My
word!' spluttered
the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'
One morning, Arnie went to see
his doctor and told him that he hadn't
been feeling at all well. The doctor examined Arnie, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
Looking at Arnie he says, 'Take the green pill
with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.'
Startled to be
put on so much medicine, the man stammered, 'L...........L.......L.........Lummee, Doc, exactly what is my problem?'
The doctor replied, 'Arnie, you're not drinking enough water.'
Health Check The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still
hidden from the public, is that most things get better by
themselves; most things, in fact, are better in the morning.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an
operation, he touched up the X-rays. - Joey Bishop
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life
isn't for everyone'. - Larry Brown.
She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon. -
Groucho Marx.
I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the
nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects
the cure. - Voltaire
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like
Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. - Joan Rivers
Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't
cure a cold. - Jerry Vale
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma
Bombeck
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly
mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records.
What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do
they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton
Doctors and Quacks In Britain today, there are about 50,000 practitioners of alternative
medicine, but only about 30,000 qualified doctors.
The Five Best, Clean and Hilarious Conversations Overheard in
Hospital
Doctor : Are you on HRT? Patient : No, income support.
Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist
spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, 'No Mrs Jones, not
the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE.'
A consultant at St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me
that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat]
clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation:
Senior surgeon (angrily) : 'For goodness sake, nurse, get me
my auriscope.' [a medical device which is used to look into the
ears].
Distracted young nurse : 'But doctor, I don't even
know your star sign.'
A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal
Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and
gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's
abdomen.
Finding that her clothing was
causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked,
'Would you pull down your knickers, please?'
The patient
did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say,
'I'm so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.'
While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen
Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding
to me, she said, 'Thank goodness my work is completed. I'm so
relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle
and understanding too.' When seated in the dentist's chair, I
related the incident to him. He laughed heartily and explained, 'Oh,
that was just my Mother.'
¡
Funny Medical
Quotes From The Medical Council of Canada
Entry Exam
Federal Food and Drugs Act : Their aim is to promote purity and
prevent adultery.
Venereal Disease Control: Sexual intercourse is a common practice
among all people. Prostitutes should be registered and made civil
servants.
Rheumatic Fever: It is much more common in the temporal zone."
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning: If the amount breathed is not lethal, the
patient has many of the symptoms of severe enema. He is usually
flushed and has...
Control of Bovine Tuberculosis: All cows should have a patch test
done.
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