Will and Guy's Biology, Physics and Chemistry Humour
Science often seems mysterious, and thus is a fruitful ground for
humour. Guy is a qualified science teacher, and Will taught history
and social science. Thus we have an insight into this area of humour.
'Chemists are a strange class of mortals, impelled by an almost
maniacal impulse to seek their pleasures amongst smoke and vapour, soot
and flames, poisons and poverty, yet amongst all these evils I seem to
live so sweetly that I would rather die than change places with the
King of Persia.'
Johann Joachim Becher, "Physica subterranea" (1667)
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth,
only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection
against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's
a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of
the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around
Earth through Africa.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
The skeleton is what is left after the
insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The
purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat
to.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who travelled in ten
different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of
many cultures.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe,
you expire.
'This scientific paper contains much that is new and much that is
true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is
new is not true.'
A chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the
Periodic Table of the Elements. She said, 'Why when I was your age I
knew both their names and weights.'
One pupil opined, 'Yeah,
but Miss, there were so few of them back then.'
Here in
California, when a bridge falls down, we know it must be San Andreas'
Fault!
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
A sign hanging on a laboratory door: "Gone Nuclear Fission."
What's a
nuclear physicist's favourite meal? Fission chips.
A quantum physicist
walks into a bar... ...maybe.
What's the difference between a quantum
mechanic and an auto mechanic? The quantum mechanic can get inside without
opening the door.
Who solves mysteries involving electricity? Sherlock
Ohms
Why is electricity so dangerous? Because it doesn't know how to
conduct itself properly.
If an experiment works, something has
definitely gone wrong.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
Why are chemists perfect for solving problems? Because they have all the
solutions.
Where do you put dirty dishes? In the zinc.
Why do
chemists prefer nitrates? Because they're cheaper than day rates.
Atom:
I'd like to report a missing electron. Policeman: Are you sure? Atom: Yes, I'm positive!
What's the first thing you should learn in
chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry
labs? Methylated Spirits.
One day after sleeping badly, Bryan Marvick, an anatomist went to his
frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its
back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog.
'Jump frog, jump!' he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward.
In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, 'Frog with four legs jumps two
feet.'
Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the
experiment. 'Jump, jump!' To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He
wrote down, 'Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet.'
Next, Bryan removed a second leg. 'Jump frog, jump!' The frog managed
to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, 'Frog with two legs jumps
one foot.'
Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. 'Jump,
jump!' The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The
scientist wrote, 'Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet.'
Finally, he eliminated the last leg. 'Jump, jump!' he shouted,
encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts,
the frog could not budge. 'Jump frog, jump!' he cried again. It was no
use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and
then wrote in his lab book, 'Frog with no legs goes deaf.'
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. But I don't know why.
Charles
Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
A parent said on Open Evening that she hoped her son, who was good at
science, would be a scientologist one day.
An Amusing Science Story
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for
years: chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the
current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer
introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the
HTFDR: "head-to-floor distance reduction."
After about an hour, the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm,
said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered
the magic words: 'And in conclusion . . .'
Scenario : Johnny takes apart several leftover fireworks from Guy
Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin and blows up a wasp's nest.
1957 - All the Wasps die and are no longer a threat to anyone.
2012 - Police and Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with
domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home,
computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is
never allowed to fly on aircraft again.
In a fifth-grade class, a teacher asked students various science
questions, of which the following were the funniest:
Teacher: What is the definition of a protein?' Student: A protein is
something that is made up of mean old acids.
Teacher: What kind of tails do opossums have?" Student:
Reprehensible ones"
Teacher: What is the spinal column? Student: A long bunch of bones.
The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
Teacher: How long does it take the Earth to rotate about its axis?"
Student: The Earth makes a resolution once every 24 hours. Teacher:
That's wishful thinking.
Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every
day, no strings attached, just part of our service. Free
subscription to
our Funny Joke of the Day email.
We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos. Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:
Thought of the Day Subscription
Our offer is to email you an inspirational
'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there
are no adverts. Sign up for our 'Thought of
the Day'.
