Funny Scottish Jokes
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A Thoughtful Scottish Husband
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
Funny Scottish One-liner
At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing £20,000 [$45,000]. He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of £200 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £250.'
Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.
Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'
'Then why don't you wear them then?'
Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'
Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Here are 7 short examples of Scottish Humour which are Funny and Based on Stereotypes:
Classic Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman and Welshman Joke
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to Southampton General Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out for help.
Finally a Scotsman, Willie Murdoch was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Willie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and 10,000 US dollars.
A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
Willie Murdoch was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.'
To this the Arab replied, 'Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.'
Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old coach to keep at the bottom of his garden to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line.
One very wet day some of his friends called to see Archie and were informed by his wife that he would be 'on the train.' Going down the garden they found Archie sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking furiously at his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour.
'Hello, Archie,' his friends greeted him, 'why are ye no inside in a day like this?'
'Can ye no see?' replied Archie with a nod towards the windows, 'they only sent me a non-smoker.'
The Secret of a Scotsman's Kilt
A foreigner lady visitor cornered a Scotsman in the Highland Games
ground and asked:
'Nothing is worn under the kilt Madam; everything is in good working order', answered the Scot smiling.
[Scottish Joke kindly sent in by MoiMoii Law]
Jock walks into a bar one day and stammers, 'Does anyone here own that South Doberman Pinschers outside?'
'Yeah, I do,' a tattooed biker says, standing up. 'What about it?'
"Well, I think my little scotty terrier just killed him.'
'Well,' mumbled Jock, 'it appears that he got stuck in your dog's throat.'
The British Abroad
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.'
An elderly Scotsman goes into a Chemists shop. He says to the assistant - I have a headache, have you any aspirin. Certainly sir, she replies. Would you like 50 or 100. No, the Scotsman says, just the one. I've only got one headache.
If you like this page then please share it with your friends
See examples of international jokes, humour and funny pictures ....