Clean Jokes to Work Into
Your Groom Wedding Speech
You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding
speeches and then modify one. However, if you want to make a really funny groom's
speech, then it must come from your heart.
'Darling,' says Barry to his wife, Sarah, 'I invited a friend home
for supper.'
'What? Are you crazy?' Sarah splutters, 'The house is a mess, I
didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't much feel like
cooking a fancy meal.'
'I know all that,' murmurs Barry.
'Then why
did you invite a friend for supper?' explodes Sarah.
'Because the poor
fool's thinking about getting married,' concludes Barry.
Molly and Peter have been married for
almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with
23 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly
replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one
to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'
While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road,
four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy,
to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned
to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass
celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'
'Sure, man, we are,' Alan
replied.
'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?'
another bloke asked.
Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth
anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go
down there and get her back.'
*Geordie - is a regional
nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name
of the dialect of English spoken by these people.
The Wedding MC Joke Book
How even a nervous, first-time Wedding MC with no comedy experience can
entertain and dazzle the wedding guests with 101 funny, clean, and
'field-tested' wedding jokes.
Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden
hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got
to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug
and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent
cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he'd started this
about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be
better. Dave thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her
that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked
why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First,
little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing
machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
ф
Do practice your groom speech until you can recite it naturally and without
hesitation. To gain extra confidence find out precisely at
what point during the reception you should give the speech. Usually,
it's after the father-of-the-bride's speech.
Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains,
'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable
one?'
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, '
What are your requirements, please?'
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go
out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation
and be silent when I want to rest.'
The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I
understand. You need a television.'
At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian
Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the
final blessing at the end of the service.
Louise, the bride, totally
misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.
Not
wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a
high-five.
Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this
time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.
1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really
worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that
could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to
take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a
couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken
to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.
2nd year -
'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the
doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you
just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat
when you're hungry.'
3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling.
When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have
any canned soup around here anywhere?'
4th year - 'No sense wearing
yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and
the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed
yourself.'
5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'
6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting
around barking like a dog.'
7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying
to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the
supermarket.'
Footnote: No.10 above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our
Joke of the Day.
Please send us your funny groom wedding speech jokes.
More Clean Wedding Speech Jokes
Thanks to readers' letters Will and Guy have collated more MC wedding
jokes, which are suitable for telling at the stag night, or the reception itself.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in
the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny
Youngman)
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was
wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not
remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to
remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be
walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will
arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we
will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step
with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified
to hear her repeating these 3 words...
... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter
him)
Newlywed Conversation
"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great. It takes time to
find the right restaurant."
Devil or Angel?
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a
car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely
missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"
Hilary, a grandmother, overhears her 5-year-old granddaughter, Mo,
playing "weddings."
As the little girl, Mo, marches the bride down the aisle, the wedding
vows went something like this: 'You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an
attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.'
Five Funny Wedding Shorts
Nicky: I'm a man of few words. Mike: I'm married, too.
The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize'
and 'You are right.'
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it
does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her
way.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have
them.
Here is the traditional order of wedding speeches:
The father of the bride.
A good way to start is to welcome all the guests. He then
usually talks fondly about his daughter. As with most speeches, it is
accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works
well. He then toasts the bride and groom.
The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself
and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and
more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people
involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes
gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom
then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids.
My wife - and I love saying that! - would not be the person she is
without the love and support of her parents. And I want to thank them
for welcoming me into their family. As my new mother-in-law said, she
is not losing a daughter but gaining a washer-upper!
*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the
groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well
beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.
The best man's speech now follows. He thanks the bride
and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to
be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then
he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and
relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about
the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the
wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound. Finally the best man
should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.
Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your
speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages.
If you have any good groom wedding speech jokes, then please send them to
us. A modern trend is
for the maid-of honor to make a speech.
Footnotes Please send us your funny groom speech
jokes
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