Police Humour

Police Humour: Jokes and Short Stories to Make You Laugh

• Service Charge?
• Rare Offence
• Something Missing?
• 10 Bungling Burglar Stories
• Skulduggery in the Garden
• Police Uniform
• A True Funny Police Story
• Police Humour - Frontline Stories
• 10 Funny Comments Made By Arresting Constables, Allegedly

Service Charge?

Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

Man: What's the charge officer?

Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.

Rare Offence

Solly, the elderly tramp, is brought, by the police, before the magistrate and he doesn't half smell; in fact he is distinctly olid.

The judge says, 'What's the charge against this man?'

The policeman says, 'A fragrancy charge, your honour.'

Something Missing?

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'

10 Bungling Burglar Stories

1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'
2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the him and called the police.
4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.
7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.
10. A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

Skulduggery in the Garden

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'

'Hello, is this FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.'
'This will be noted.'

Next day, the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.

The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?'
'Yeah, they did.'

'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep, every piece.'

'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'

More Examples of Police Humour

Police Uniform?

Sonya asks a man in uniform, 'Are you a policeman?'

'No, I am an undercover detective.'

'So why are you in a policeman's uniform?' demands Sonya.

'Today is my day off.'

Police Force Resign Enmasse [True Story]

Will and Guy can inform you that a town's entire police force has resigned in Hungary after winning more than £10 GBP million [$16.4million USD] in a lottery.

The 15-strong squad policing Budaörs, a town in Pest county, Budapest metropolitan area, Hungary, scooped the jackpot with their ticket and all quit on the spot.

Another True Funny Police Story

A bank robber in Virginia Beach Virginia, USA got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his trousers.

The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

A police spokesman informed us, 'He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.'

Police have the man's charred trousers safely in custody.

Police Humour - Frontline Stories

A Speeding Woman

A police officer stops Moira Wilde for speeding and asks her, most politely, if he can see her licence.

Moira replies in a huff, 'I wish you people would get your act together. Only yesterday you took away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you.'

Old Police Joke - Serial Offender

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime at the Gateway local convenience store in Fareham, England. One asks the manager, Roger Cook, what happened.

Roger replies stolidly, 'There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and, I'm afraid that he's dead.'

'That's odd,' frowned the first police detective, 'didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday and another covered in Weetabix last week?'

'You're right,' agreed the second detective, 'This is obviously the work of a cereal killer.'

The Reckless Driver: A Punny Tale

Driving to work last week, Nicholas had to swerve quite violently to avoid a box that fell out of a lorry in front of him.

Moments after, a policeman pulled him over and accused him of reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had also seen the container in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

'I'm sorry sir,' the first traffic cop told Nicholas, 'but I am going to have to write you a ticket.'

Amazed, Nicholas asked for what.

The policeman retorted, 'Tacks evasion.'

Police Ponder Meaning of Sign

Police Understanding - A Funny Short Story

A policeman stops Mavis just outside the city of Exeter, England, and asks to see her driving licence.

He says rather peremptorily, 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.'

Mavis promptly answers sweetly, 'Well, I have contacts.'

The policeman replies gruffly, 'I don't care who you know, my dear. You're still getting a ticket.'

Police Rescue and Arrest Suspect - A Silly Story To Laugh At

A man suspected of stealing a laptop computer finds himself stranded on a window ledge as he attempts to flee the police.

This photo captures the man as he inches along on the fourth floor where he eventually smashes a window and sits on the ledge without moving as he waits to be arrested.

See Will and Guy's other bungling burglars:

10 Funny and Humorous Comments Made By Arresting Constables, Allegedly

1. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog
2. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
3. Life's tough but it's tougher if you're stupid.
4. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
5. Just how big were those two beers?
6. The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
7. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
8. So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, eh?
9. Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
10. In God we trust, all others are suspects.
    This one almost made our top ten: Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.

New proposed helicopter to catch speeding motorists

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