Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil
servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time
when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets
it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant. 'Don't
tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.
Funny English Jokes
Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted
Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield
stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he
remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay
Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American
announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would
give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of
the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while
fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said,
'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all
in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one
more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys
Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with
Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more
time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
What is the longest word in the English language?
'Smiles'. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because
from a distance they looked like hares.
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots
did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went
out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a
closing down sale.
There are four kinds of people in the UK : i. First,
there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they
could lay their hands on; ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed
on their knees and their neighbours; iii. Thirdly there were the
Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it
anyway. iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves
self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
What do you do if you are driving your car in central
London and you see a space man? Park in it, of course.
What government agency is responsible for finding lost
vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and
chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.
Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned
- he came to a bitter end.
Did you hear about the man who was convicted of
stealing luggage from the airport? He asked for twenty other cases to be
taken into account.
Could this village be twinned with Headless Cross, in Worcestershire,
Replacement Windows - A Funny English Joke
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called
I bet he felt like an idiot.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
The British Abroad
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. While there,
Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since
Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish
and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple
and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with
his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, 'No,
senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said,
'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.'
Classic Short English Gag
Two old men, Dick and Norton were sitting next to each other on the
London subway [tube]. Their hearing isn't good.
Dick mutters, 'Is this Wembley?'
'No,' says Norton, 'It's Thursday.'
Dick answers, 'OK then, let's find a pub and have a drink.'
What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had
fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
Locked Car - Frozen Brain When my husband and I
arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys
had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic, 'It's open.' His reply, 'I know. I
already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.
She Doesn't Gets a Buzz The stoplight on the corner
buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the
light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'
She is a Local County Employee in Harrow, Middlesex , UK
Dear Deer I live in a semi rural area. We
recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the
removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good
place for them to be crossing anymore."
Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK
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