Funny Wedding Speech Jokes

Funny Wedding Speech Jokes

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle.

Ten Clean, Funny Jokes For The MC To Tell At A Wedding

Follow the Priest
After the blessing the priest said to the newly married couple, 'follow me up to the altar'.  When the priest reached the inner sanctum he turned around, and was amazed to see the bride and groom crawling to the altar on their knees.

• How To Avoid Marriage
• Inside Marriage
• The Promise of Marriage
• The Logic of Marriage - A child's view
• How To Celebrate Marriage
• How To Make A Marriage Successful
• A Question Of Marriage Guidance
• Ask for Help
• Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story
• The Seven Ages of the Married Cold

Clean Jokes to Work into Your Wedding Speech

There are stories on this page for everyone.  Whatever the bride and groom's circumstances an MC (master of ceremonies) is sure to find a funny wedding speech joke here.

How To Avoid Marriage

'Darling,' says Barry to his wife, Sarah, 'I invited a friend home for supper.'

'What? Are you crazy?' Sarah splutters, 'The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't much feel like cooking a fancy meal.'

'I know all that,' murmurs Barry.

'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?' explodes Sarah.

'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married,' concludes Barry.

Inside Marriage

Rupert and Elaine, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful?  What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

More Clean Wedding Speech Jokes

The Promise of Marriage

Molly and Peter have been married for almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with 23 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'

How To Celebrate Marriage

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'

'Sure, man, we are,' Alan replied.

'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?' another bloke asked.

Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her back.'

*Geordie - is a regional nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name of the dialect of English spoken by these people.

The Logic of Marriage - A Child's View

Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'

His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'

So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'

'Who?' splutters his Dad.

'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.

'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'

'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'

How To Make A Marriage Successful

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.

'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.

'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.

'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'

So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'

'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, 'What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.'

Never Be Afraid to Ask for Help

What more can Will and Guy say!  If all else fails, asking for help will get you a laugh and buy you time.

Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story

At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service.

Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five.

Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.

The Seven Ages of the Married Cold

1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.

2nd year - 'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat when you're hungry.'

3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?'

4th year - 'No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.'

5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'

6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.'

7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the supermarket.'

Footnote:
No.10 above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our Joke of the Day.

Please send us your funny wedding speech jokes.

More Examples of Wedding Humour

Thanks to readers' letters Will and Guy have collated more MC wedding jokes, which are suitable for telling at the stag night, or the reception itself.

Wedding Hymn Sheet

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

• First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
• Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
• Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. 

While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

Devil or Angel?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Good Best Man Wedding Speech Joke

The last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present.
When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said, 'I'll have a large whisky.'

The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet woman.'
So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I didn't know there was a choice.'

Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!

Strange, True and Funny Wedding Idea

A Romanian groom is trying to pay for his marriage by selling advertising space on his wedding tie. Tudor Ciora, 26, from Sibiu, has set up a website for bidders and he hopes that he'll easily pay for the ceremony and some special presents.

Companies can pay €20* for a slot near the top of his tie, €15 for one in the middle or just €10 to have their name at the bottom of the tie.

*€1 = $1.35 USD

Those Wanting to be Married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?'  Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

A Five Year Old Child's Funny View Of Weddings

Hilary, a grandmother, overhears her 5-year-old granddaughter, Mo, playing "weddings."

As the little girl, Mo, marches the bride down the aisle, the wedding vows went something like this: 'You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.'

Five Funny Wedding Shorts

1. Nicky: I'm a man of few words.
   Mike: I'm married, too.
2. The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'
3. A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
4. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
5. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

A Brief Guide to the Etiquette and Tradition of Wedding Day Speeches

The order of speeches is traditionally as follows:

The father of the bride usually talks fondly about his daughter. As with most speeches, it is accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works well. He then toasts the bride and groom.

The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids

*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.

The best man's speech now follows. He thanks the bride and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound.  Finally the best man should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.  A modern trend is also for the maid-of honor to make a speech.

Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages.  If you find any other funny wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us.

Will and Guy's Five Favourite Wedding Day Shorts

1. My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
2. Each year on his wedding anniversary Patrick goes down to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
3. John: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
   
   Dave: Seen one? I married one.
4. Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
   
   Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
5. An insurance salesman was trying to persuade Sonia to buy a life insurance policy.
   
   'Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow, Sonia' he said. 'What would you get?'
   
   Oh, a Labrador dog, I think,' replied Sonia. 'They're so well-behaved.'

Footnote:
Please send us your wedding speech jokes.

See more funny wedding jokes and speeches

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