Guy's Best Funny Christmas Jokes

Guy's Best Funny Christmas Jokes

'Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.'
Norman Vincent Peale.

• Best Funny Christmas Riddles
• Santa Claus Problem
• Best Funny Christmas Trivia
• Amusing Christmas Stories
• Best Christmas Story
• An Amusing Christmas Try-on

Best Funny Christmas Riddles

What is the most popular wine at Christmas?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

On which side do chickens have most feathers?
On the outside.

What is a vampire's favourite lullaby?
Fangs for the memory.

Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when he climbs down the chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.

Romeo: What would it take to make you give me a kiss under the Christmas mistletoe?
Juliette: An anaesthetic.

See more funny Christmas riddles

Drunken Elk Frightens School Pupils

Pupils at a school in Sweden are being terrorised by a drunken elk (Like reindeer, only smaller).  Police say the animal has probably been eating fermented apples in a garden, reports Sky News.

Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, said, 'That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy elk'. Elk can weigh as much as 1,000 lb and personnel at the school described the erratic male as 'completely mad'.  The receptionist at the school, near Molndal, in the south of the country, told the Gothenburg Post, 'The children are really scared'.  Police have contacted hunters and said that if the animal does not sober up and calm down, it could be shot.

Santa Claus Problem

Santa Claus received a parking ticket from an official in Brooklyn.

Word has reached Will and Guy that a New York parking official has penalised Santa Claus for a parking offence while delivering his presents to needy children.  Santa Claus [aka Chip Cafiero, a retired schoolteacher] received the $115 USD ticket in Brooklyn. Apparently he shouted to the official, 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' but he was completely ignored.

Santa claims that his horse-drawn carriage and a SUV carrying the toys was not causing an obstruction.  We are not able to raise a comment from the police but a local politician has said the parking ticket is 'ridiculous.' 

See more funny Santa Claus stories.

Best Funny Christmas Trivia

• The Russian Santa Claus carries a pink piglet under his arm.
• Electric lights were first used on Christmas trees in 1895.Three people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
• A popular manufactured Christmas fireplace log warns: 'Caution - Risk of Fire'
• Of the presents received at Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas.
• According to a 2009 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.
• 'Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.'
  Larry Wilde

Finest Christmas Trees

Best Christmas Story

It was the day after Christmas at St Peter and St Paul's church in Borden, Kent, England. Father John, the vicar, was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, Father John's thoughts turned to calling in the local policeman but as he was about to do so, he saw little Nathan with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Father John approached Nathan and asked him, 'Well, Nathan, where did you get the little infant?'

Nathan looked up, smiled and replied, 'I took him from the church.'

'And why did you take him?'

With a sheepish grin, Nathan said, 'Well, Father John, about a week before Christmas I prayed to Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'

An Amusing Christmas Try-on

Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new party dress.

In the clothing store she asked, 'May I try on that dress in the window, please?'

'Certainly not, madam,' responded the salesgirl, 'You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.'

A True Christmas Silly Story

Home alone one Christmas, a Maine woman was in the doghouse when she called the "Butterball Turkey Talk-Line".

Apparently found Will and Guy, while preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught.

After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider.

It worked and Maxwell was free. Too silly to make up say Will and Guy.

See our best funny Christmas stories.

Let Me Explain the Nose Job Procedure

See more funny snowman pictures.

Footnote:
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