Christmas cracker jokes are called 'Bon-Bons' in countries such as Australia
and South Africa. Will and Guy are unsure if Christmas cracker
riddles are also called bon-bons in Ireland. Most of these one-liners
make us groan rather than laugh out loud.
I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year, didn't see one
canary. Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can't wait.
Ed Byrne
Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding? It's
Christmas - he should run a mile. Stephen K Amos
Why did the atheist cross the road? So he could see both sides.
Tom Wrigglesworth
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ...... So
the barman gives her one. Meera Syal
How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three: the left ear, the
right ear, and the final front ear. Ben Miller
Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate
Never read a popup book about giraffes. Sean Lock
Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I
found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it,
delicatessen. Sean Hughes
Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please. Waiter: I think
you mean steak and kidney? Man: That's what I said, diddle I?
Alexander Armstrong
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his
soul to Santa. Steve Pemberton
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face. Shazia
Mirza
I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist. I'm in love with her
footspa. Phil Nichol
What do you call a man who's been diagnosed with attention deficit
disorder? These are good crackers, aren't they? Who bought
these? Chris Addison
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf? He has Santa
claws! Dave Hill
What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
Platform shoes. Will
Thanks to the Guardian Newspaper
Christmas Cracker Variations
As for the crackers themselves, they are also a part of New Year
celebrations in Russia; where they are called "хлопушка". It's no
surprise that in these former Soviet Union countries the crackers are more
like pyrotechnical devices, than the humble British Christmas cracker.
￥
Origins of Crackers
Crackers, as in Christmas crackers were invented in Londong by Thomas J.
Smith. He ingeniously created the crackers as a development of his
bon-bon sweets, which he sold in a twist of paper.
When Smith noticed his sales of bon-bons fall he racked his brains for a
new ideas. His first tactic was to insert mottos into the wrappers of the
sweets like fortune cookies, but this did not produce the boost in sales
that he hoped for.
Then he was inspired to add the "bang" element when he heard the crackle
of a log he had just put on the fire. The size of the paper wrapper had to
be increased to incorporate the banger mechanism, and the sweet itself was
eventually dropped, to be replaced by a small gift.
The new product was initially marketed as the 'Cosaque' [Cossack], but
the onomatopoeic "cracker" soon became the commonly used name, as rival
varieties were introduced to the market.
The other elements of the modern cracker, the gifts, paper hats and
varied designs, were all introduced by Tom Smith's son, Walter Smith, to
differentiate his product from the many copycat cracker manufacturers which
had suddenly sprung up.
7 Angel Sayings
I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit. Mae West
A man does not have to be an angel in order to be a saint.
Albert Schweitzer
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. G. K.
Chesterton
It's easy to be an angel when you are in heaven. Anonymous
We are each of us angels with only one wing, to fly we need
only embrace each other. Anonymous
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. JohnKeats
All God's angels come to us disguised. James Russell
Lowell
∫
Santa Claus Conundrum
The 3 stages of man:
1) He believes in Santa Claus. 2) He doesn't believe in Santa
Claus. 3) He IS Santa Claus!
Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.
Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't
a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes
on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't
there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way
around'.
Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the
chimney? Because has had his flue jab.
What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come. (Prince)
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.
What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!
What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They're hiring.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th? 'It's
Christmas! Eve.'
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
'Tiny', answers Mike. 'Why's
that?' enquires the barmaid. 'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike. (Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt - minute)
Bert aged 25. 'My wife's an angel'. Don aged 57. 'Your
lucky, mine is still alive'.
As you may know bon-bon jokes are popular in Australia, so this is why we
have added this yarn.
The Amazing and Funny Australian Love Test
Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they
love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?
There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one
hour.
Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there,
close the boot, grab a couple of beers and watch the footy on the telly for
an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.
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