Picture this, it was just before Christmas, and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'
The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.
'That's
no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'
Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.
A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's
strange. When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.'
The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'
See more Christmas jokes
for grown-ups.
Last Thursday morning 50 customers waited outside the Wal-Mart supermarket in West-Bend, Wisconsin, USA. They wanted to be the first to buy Sony PlayStation 3 game consoles as Christmas presents.
Unfortunately, the shop only had 10 consoles for sale. Simple maths suggests that 50 does not go into 10.
The assistant manager had a brain wave, a cunning plan, no less. He would
organise a sort of musical chairs without the music. That is: he decided to
put the 50 people in the shop car park; he then place 10 chairs just outside
Wal-Mart's entrance, on a shout of 'go' the first ten to sit down would get
the consoles on the Friday.
50 people stampeded towards the chairs, no
hold barred. One man struck his head on a lamp post and had to go to
hospital, another bruised his head and knee badly.
However, the first 10 on the chairs got their PlayStation 3s.
Christmas One-liner!
Three More Christmas One-liners
Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You end
up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a
man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do
you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and
snacks out of your socks?
If you want to hear "Merry Christmas," why not visit a church
instead of a shop?
Teacher: Where are the Andes? Pupil: At the end of my armies.
Bernard Manning said that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are: Peace on Earth. Goodwill to Men. And
Batteries not included.
Peter aged 7. 'Angels don't eat much, but they drink a lot of
milk from Holy Cows.' See more
Angel jokes.
What A Girl Wants For Christmas
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily,
young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now,
we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she
smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for
Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of
you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'
›
Saying a Prayer for
His Christmas Meal
Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas
dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee
began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister,
Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the
food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even
the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,
"If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"
Santa Claus?
Footnote We are always keen to publish more Christmas
funnies, so do email them to us.
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