Clean Christmas Funnies

Clean Christmas One Liners, Funny Pictures and Festive Stories

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys any more? 
It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Committee.

• 7 Christmas One Liners for Starters
• Clean Christmas Funnies
• Christmas Wisecrack
• Crafty Cockney - Christmas Caper
• Christmas Store Problem
• Scrooge's Christmas Tree

7 Christmas One Liners for Starters

Q1: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No.  You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.

Q2: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Q3: How do chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Ans: Chick to chick!

Q4: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with.

Q5: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Ans: Hose A, and Hose B.

Q6: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Ans: At the baa baa shop.

Q7: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman?
Ans. She gave him the cold shoulder.

12 More Clean Christmas Funnies

• Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
  You can see right through them.
• What kind of tree do fingers grow on?
  A palm tree.
• What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?  Lost.
• What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
  Annette.
• On which side do chickens have most feathers?
  On the outside.
• What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
  A chew chew train.
• What's furry and minty?
  A polo bear.
• What's big, grey and wear glass slippers?
  Cinderelephant.
• How do snails keep their shells shiny?
  They use snail varnish.
• What must you know to be an auctioneer?  Lots.
• Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
  It blew away.
• What is the vampire's favourite song?
  Fangs for the memory.

Footnote:
Please send us your clean Christmas one liners.

See more funny Christmas riddles

Christmas Wisecrack

Picture this, it was just before Christmas, and the magistrate was in a happy mood.  He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

Crafty Cockney - Christmas Caper

Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's strange.  When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it.  Now there are four £5 notes.'

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'

Christmas Store Problem

Last Thursday morning 50 customers waited outside the Wal-Mart supermarket in West-Bend, Wisconsin, USA. They wanted to be the first to buy Sony PlayStation 3 game consoles as Christmas presents. Unfortunately, the shop only had 10 consoles for sale. Simple maths suggests that 50 does not go into 10. 

The assistant manager had a brain wave, a cunning plan, no less. He would organise a sort of musical chairs without the music. That is: he decided to put the 50 people in the shop car park; he then place 10 chairs just outside Wal-Mart's entrance, on a shout of 'go' the first ten to sit down would get the consoles on the Friday.

50 people stampeded towards the chairs, no hold barred. One man struck his head on a lamp post and had to go to hospital, another bruised his head and knee badly.

However, the first 10 on the chairs got their PlayStation 3s.

Christmas one-liner?

Three More Christmas One-liners

1. Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? 
   You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
2. Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
3. Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?

Please Don't Show this Picture of Santa to the Kids

Santa's Outfit

Scrooge's Christmas Tree

What Scrooge would buy a Christmas tree like the above?

Here below, is more the sort of Christmas tree that we need.

More Christmas Funnies

• If you want to hear "Merry Christmas," why not visit a church instead of a shop?
• Teacher: Where are the Andes?
  Pupil: At the end of my armies.
• How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicle
• Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are:
  Peace on Earth.
  Goodwill to Men.
  And Batteries not included.

Footnote
We are always keen to publish more Christmas funnies, so do email them to us.

See more clean Christmas jokes and funny pictures:

∗ Funny Christmas jokes    ∗ Christmas funnies    ∗ Funny Xmas carols    ∗ Christmas red tape

∗ Christmas Humour 2009    ∗ Best funny Christmas jokes    ∗ Riddles and one-liners    ∗ Home

∗ Christmas food    ∗ Funny Christmas stuff   ∗ Funny advent calendar    ∗ Funny Christmas Quotes