God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds. 2009: I will
follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds. 2010:
I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2011: I will
work out 3 days a week. 2012: I will try to drive past a gym at
least once a week.
New
Year's Day Prayer for One and All
Dear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it
was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the
bartender was almost crushed to death.
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left
his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along,
he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four
o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at
this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm
against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
New Year Jokes - One Liners
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your
glass.
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.
I gave up thinking.
Artist, Harwinder Singh Gill, displays a special new year message he
carved into the tips of coloured pencils in Amritsar, India.
‡
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds. 'I'm in the process of quitting,'
replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular
annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them
as usual. Mark Twain
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To
rise above the little things. John Burroughs
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where
they have no account. Oscar Wilde
Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the
snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the
true. Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849 --> 50)
More Funny New Year Jokes
New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?
»
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes
later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for
Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Nigel told her it was half time and that the
score was still 0-0.
'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'
A Bad Dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's
present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her
small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
New Year's Resolutions by Fido
I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance
all over the back yard with it.
I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think
that I am haemorrhaging.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the
house.
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to
produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the lyrics:
however, many people seem to remember only the first
verse.
Auld Lang Syne
¡
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days
of auld lang syne? And here's a hand, my trusty friend And gie's a hand o' thine We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne.
Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every
day, no strings attached, just part of our service. Free
subscription to
our Funny Joke of the Day email.
We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos. Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:
Thought of the Day Subscription
Our offer is to email you an inspirational
'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there
are no adverts. Sign up for our 'Thought of
the Day'.
