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New Year Quotes

New Year Quotes

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.  Oscar Wilde New Year Jokes

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7 Quotations for the New Year

  1. Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty.
    John Selden
  2. Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
    Unknown
  3. It wouldn't be New Year if I didn't have regrets.
    William Thomas
  4. Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.
    Oprah Winfrey
  5. The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.
    G.K. Chesterton
  6. A dog's New Year's Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand.
    Unknown
  7. Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin

Our Five Further Favourite Funny Quotes for the New Year

  • I'm a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.
    Robert Paul  
  • New Year's Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
    Jay Leno
  • New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.  Mark Twain
  • Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals? 
    Ogden Nash
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Funny New Year Quotes
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Irish Toasts for the New Year:

  • In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.
  • The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. P.J. O'Rourke
  • True friends are like angels. They are precious and rare, and false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.
  • See more Irish quotes

5 Longer New Year QuotesNew Year Jokes

  1. We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. Edith Lovejoy Pierce
  2. From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humour lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. Leonard Bernstein
  3. I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticising, sanctioning and moulding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
  4. New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agate
  5. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means, you have met your New Year's resolution. 
    Jay Leno
    »

How to Tell That You have Entered a New Year:

  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You enter your password on the microwave.
  • You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from Canada, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour all last year.
  • You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  • The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Your idea of being organised is multi-coloured Post-it notes.
  • You're reading this.

Bill Vaughn's New Year Quotes

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. 

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.
Old age is when you're forced to. 

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Wise Words to Start the New Year

  • The early worm gets eaten!
  • There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
  • Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.
  • Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  • You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.
  • I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

The Wisdom of An Angel Wisdom of an angel

An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of the others whispers, 'Say something.'

The leader sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'

 

Footnote:
Please send us your funny New Year quotes.

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. John Burroughs

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