Funny Thanksgiving Stories
Here is our collection of amusing tales about turkeys, some are the heroes whilst others are the villains of the story.
Tommy and Billy were discussing their latest turkey shoot. Tommy says emphatically, 'I am never going to take my wife Laura shooting with me ever again, Billy!'
'That bad, eh?' enquires
The Taylor's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had travelled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower. They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars.
They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them. Only one problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair.
The writer said she could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read:
Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.
Jolene was only 8 years old and lived with family in the country with her parents and brother. Consequently they did not often have visitors from the city. One day Jolene's mother said that father was bringing two guests home for Thanksgiving supper.
After they had enjoyed the turkey, Jolene went to the kitchen to help her mother, and proudly brought in the first piece of pumpkin pie and gave it to her father. He then passed the plate to a guest. When Jolene came in with the second piece and gave it to his father, he again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Jolene, who blurted out, 'It's no use, Daddy. The pieces are all the same size.'
What's the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie? Your teeth.
The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service.
It was the Monday before Thanksgiving, Bobby Evans collapsed in a Wal-Mart in Worcester Massachusetts. Other customers gathered around and the first-aider was summoned. It did not look good for Bobby, there was blood coming out of his ear, his face looked white and he was unconscious.
The store manager dialled 911 and when the medical team arrived the first thing they did was take off Bobby's hat, to everyone's amazement inside was a partially frozen turkey. What felled Bobby was the chill from turkey numbing his brain. The blood came from the giblets which had melted and leaked over his hair and down into his ear.
As it was Thanksgiving the manager took pity, and rather than prosecuting the shop-lifter, gave him the partly thawed bird and sent Bobby on his way. Two days later the manager got letter from Bobby apologising for his behaviour and thanking the manager for his action. Also inside the envelope was $15, the price of his turkey. See our funny Christmas stories.
A professional NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.'
'Forget the bonus,' replied the turkey, 'What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?'
No Turkeys - But....
Early one November the turkey hunting party headed towards Meeke in Minnesota. Surprisingly, they could not find any turkeys. Never mind said, Jed, their leader we'll go back to the cabin, have breakfast then try again. I'll skip breakfast and keep on looking said Tommy Lee who had come all the way from Texas especially for the shoot.
While the others had their breakfast they heard no end of gunshot. After they finished their bacon and eggs they headed in the general direction of the shooting. They were greeted by Tommy Lee, who said, 'bring a truck, I've got me 5 of them'.
'Do we really need a truck for 5 birds,' said Jed?
'Birds?' said Tommy Lee, 'I've got me 5 sheep, I wasn't going to come all this way from Texas and then go home empty handed'.
Ages upon ages ago, says the German grandmother, when angels used to wander on earth, the ground was more fruitful than it is now. Then the stalks of wheat bore not fifty or sixty fold, but four times five hundred fold. Then the wheat- ears grew from the bottom to the top of the stalk.
But the men of the earth forgot that this blessing came from God, and they became idle and selfish.
One day a woman went through a wheat-field, and her little child, who accompanied her, fell into a puddle and soiled her frock. The mother tore off a handful of the wheat-ears and cleaned the child's dress with them.
Just then an angel passed by and saw her. Wrathfully he spoke, 'Wasteful
woman, no longer shall the wheat- stalks produce ears. You mortals are not
worthy of the gifts of Heaven!'
The angel pitied their distress, and granted a part of the prayer. And from that day to this the ears of wheat have grown as they do now.
A Thanksgiving in France
The first Thanksgiving after moving overseas, I decided to treat my family to a traditional turkey dinner.
I went to the closest store, which happened to be French-speaking, and approached the area where a variety of meats were laid out. Not being fluent in French, I looked and tried to determine on my own whether the large poultry breasts I saw were turkey or goose.
The butcher indicated that he was ready to help me. I asked in broken French if he spoke English; he replied, 'No.' I tried again, asking if he spoke German; again, he replied, 'No.'
I pointed at the poultry breasts, then tucked my thumbs in my armpits, flapped my arms, and said, 'Gobble, gobble?' The butcher broke into a smile as he replied, 'Oui.'
Embarrassing, sure, but I ended up with a turkey and the butcher got a laugh!
A tale by Monica Harris
Will and Guy have come across a Thanksgiving turkey story which we would like to share with you. We cannot vouch for its veracity since it is supposedly dated sometime in the 19th century.
A middle aged woman, perhaps we will call her Maisie, heard that fresh turkey meat was far superior to that which had been frozen so she set off to her local farm and purchased a fine, plump turkey from the willing farmer.
As Maisie took the bird home she could not help but look closely at it. The turkey seemed to be watching her and Maisie felt a chill of horror as she realised that she would have to decapitate it in the morning.
The next day began and Maisie found that she could not chop the bird's head off. So she seized some ether from the medicine cabinet and put the bird to sleep. As it was dozing she began to pluck the feathers from its flesh, preparing it for the oven. As the last feather was removed; it is said, that the plump, nude turkey woke up and seeing its state became irate and angry.
The last we heard was that poor old Maisie was last seen being chased around her kitchen by a plump but stark naked turkey.
Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'
One year at Thanksgiving, my brothers and I were invited to my sister Jenny's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, we decided to play a practical joke. My two brothers lured Jenny outside to check out some trees at the bottom of the garden.
As soon as Jenny left I took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, and replaced it with a partridge. Then I replaced the bird carefully in the oven.
Later, when the turkey was cooked my sister took the bird out of the oven and when it had rested she started to carve it. Then she decided to add the stuffing. Much to her amazement she found the partridge. At this point our mother piped up, "Jenny you've cooked a pregnant bird!" With this Jenny started to cry.
It took my brothers and I until early evening to convince Jenny that turkeys lay eggs, and don't give birth to live young.
No Turkey Died - But....
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a
turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following
Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of
thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding.
It was the cat.
Ode to Thanksgiving
May your stuffing be tasty
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