Computer Jokes - Vista

Will and Guy's Computer Jokes for Vista

The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:

1. Frequently asked questions about Vista.  No 1 Question - How do I get my money back?  (Fact is stranger than fiction)
2. This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?
3. Kennel stack overflow problem.  Your new Patch is now available.  Call at the vet and collect your dog.
4. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
5. Suggested Action.  Emigrate.
6. Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem.  This will involve remote execution of the user.
7. The media is corrupt.  Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
8. Windows Update Service Problem.  Waitress is sick.
9. A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer.  Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
10. Path not found.  Try the grass shortcut.
11. An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
12. Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
13. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
14. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
15. Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
16. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
17. User Error: Replace user.
18. No network provider accepted the given network path.  In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.
19. Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
20. 'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.
21. This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.
22. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
23. Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete?  (N/N)
24. The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'
25. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
26. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
27. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
28. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
29. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
30. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
31. Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
32. Workaround.  The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.
33. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
34. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
35. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
36. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
37. We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.
38. Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
39. You can provide feedback by completing the form.  However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.
40. Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.

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Microsoft Testers

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. 

Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ...

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it
would be for a Macintosh user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

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