Pumpkin Jokes and One-liners for Halloween

Clean, Yet Funny Pumpkin Jokes and One-liners.  Also Funny Pumpkin Pictures and Stencils

• Clean Pumpkin Jokes
• Speaking with Pumpkins
• More Funny Pumpkin Jokes
• Classic Halloween One-liners
• Funny Pumpkin Pictures
• Pumpkin and Halloween Stencils
• Champion Pumpkin Picture

Clean Pumpkin Jokes

Why Pumpkins are better than Men?

Each year you get a brand new crop to choose from.  Also, pumpkins are always on the doorstep there waiting to greet you.

Speaking with Pumpkins

How do you talk to a pumpkin with three heads?

.

     Hello,      hello,        hello.

• What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other?
  Cut it out!
• What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
  Squash
• Why do Jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
  You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
• What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
  Pumpkin Pi  (3.1428571428571428571428571428571)
• What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
  Frostbite!
• How do you repair a broken Jack-o-lantern?
  Buy a pumpkin patch!
• What's black, white, orange, and waddles? 
  A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
• Why do pumpkins never quarrel? 
  Because they have no stomach for fighting.

More Funny Pumpkin Jokes

These are longer yarns suitable for telling around a campfire.

Best Use of a Pumpkin Patch

John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch.  He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.

'50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch,' commented the proprietor.  'I am used to big business' John replied.'

A week later John was back at the farm. 'I need another 50 chickens,' he said. 'Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,' the poultry farmer told him.

'Oh yes,' John replied. 'It' will be Ok if I can just iron out a few problems.'  'Problems?', asked the farmer. 'Yeah,' replied the John, 'I think I planted that first batch too close together.'

How to Grow Pumpkins

Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.  Alex a little boy of nine was playing ball in his yard; he saw the farmer and asked:

'What've you got in your trailer?'
'Manure,' farmer Smith replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Alex.
'Put it on my pumpkins,' answered the farmer.

Alex replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our pumpkin pie.'

Footnote to joke tellers:
The above joke works even better if you use 'Raspberries', or 'Strawberries' instead of 'pumpkins' and 'pumpkin pie'.

Pumpkin Deterrent

Mrs Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was real disappointed when some of the the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.  After supper she went out and put up a sign: 
'Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colourless rat poison!'

A day or two later when Mrs Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.  Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: 'NOW THERE ARE TWO!!'

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men?

If you don't like the way your pumpkin looks, you can just carve another face.  (Boo say Will and Guy)

or
From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty head. (Boo say Will and Guy again)

Footnote:
Please send us your favourite pumpkin jokes and stories.

Classic Halloween One-liners

• What kind of alley does a ghost prefer to haunt?
  A dead end.
• Why wasn't the vampire working?
  He was on his coffin break.
• What's a ghosts favourite ride at the carnival?
  The roller ghoster
• What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
  Fasten your sheet belt.

More Halloween Gags

• What is a vampires favourite type of ship?
  A blood vessel.
• What was a witch's favourite subject when they were in school?
  Spelling!
• What musical instrument does a skeleton play?
  A trombone.
• Why don't skeletons like parties?
  They have no body to dance with.
• Why did the mummy call the doctor?
  Because her baby was coffin.

Funny Pumpkin Pictures

Pumpkin Ghost Rider based on 'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow'

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' (1820) has spawned generations of headless horseman with pumpkins at Halloween.  As you can imagine from the above picture, the story tells of a suitor being killed by a headless horseman.

Halloween Pumpkin Choir

Lovely Pumpkin Wall Lanterns

See how to make a Jack-o-Lantern

Pumpkin and Halloween Stencils

Here two pumpkin stencils which you can print out, the pictures enlarge if you click on them.

Real Champion Pumpkin Picture

Just in case you had forgotten, this is what a real pumpkin looks like.

Bavarian Martin Reiss planted the pumpkin at the end of April and harvested it in September when it was 88 days old.  This pumpkin set a new European record for pumpkins.

Footnote:
Please send us your favourite pumpkin jokes

See more funny Halloween jokes, also clean pumpkin jokes

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