The Reverend Lewis was completing a temperance sermon and with great
expression he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
Finally, the Reverend Lewis said, 'And if I had all the whisky in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
He sat down.
The Curate, Roger Marples, then stood up very cautiously and announced
with a smile, 'For our closing hymn let's sing number 365, "Shall We Gather
at the River."
Ten Funny Definitions To Brighten Sunday
Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you
did.
Consciousness - the time between naps.
Justice - a decision in your
favour.
Paradox - two physicians.
Court of law - the place where a suit
is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.
Flattery - an insult in
gift wrapping.
Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.
A consultant is
a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch,
and sends you a bill for it.
A born loser: Somebody who calls the telephone
number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall and his wife answers.
Alimony - the cost of loving.
¢
Five Funny Signs Spotted In
Sunday Restaurants
At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: Eat here and
get gas.
At a Sante Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.
In a New Hampshire jewellery store: Ears pierced while you wait.
In an New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager.
In a Michigan restaurant: The early bird gets the worm. Special shoppers'
luncheon before 11am.
Cartoon opposite is by Fitz
ф
This
Is Not a Sect That We Are Familiar With
Elizabeth and her Sunday School
Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's
picture, which showed four people sitting in
a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was
meant to represent.' The flight to Egypt,' said Bert. 'I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, 'Elizabeth said, 'But who's
the fourth person?'
Oh, that's
Pontius - the Pilot.'
Sunday's child is full of grace.
Thought for the Day Miscellany
Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved'
flavour?
Why are they called apartments when they are all
stuck together?
When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and
dry cleaners depressed?
A Funny Poem
'Twas the Pig Fair last
September. The day I well remember I was walking up and down in drunken
pride.. When My knees began to flutter, So I sat down in the gutter.. When a Pig came up and lay down by my side. As I was sitting in the gutter, Thinking thoughts I could not utter.. I thought I heard a passing lady say: 'You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses.' And with that the
pig got up and walked away.
Funny Political Systems
Every country and every party has its funny political systems, here are some of our favourites researched by Alicia Moss.
Capitalism, American style
You have two cows. You sell
one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Democracy, American style
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has
only one cow, which was a gift from your' government.
Bureaucracy, American style
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then
pours the milk down the drain.
¢
Latest from the Church Pews
News
Tonight's
sermon: 'What is
hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be
baptized at both ends.
Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.
Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be
Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
Sunday: A day of leisure, a day of sport, a day of shopping
Will and Guy love all the sport on Sundays, it seems like a second or bonus
Saturday. While it is convenient to find so many shops open on Sunday, we
now feel that it would give the individual days of the week more character if
there was a day of rest from commercial operations.
Footnote: Please send us your Sunday jokes.
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