Our ancestors saw Tuesday as a day of war. One stem of the word Tuesday is Tyr, who was the Norse god of courage. The Romans also named this day
after their war god Mars. The French retain this theme in their word for Tuesday, Mardi.
One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and
found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town
register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'
Short Term Investment
A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.
The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, 'I just found out
about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just
five years.'
'Five years? Are you kidding?' splutters the old man. 'At my age, I don't
even buy green bananas.'
Not Nice
Last Tuesday, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement. - Mark Twain
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Best Funny Jokes for a Tuesday
Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and
had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went
like this.
'Which shaving cream do you use?'
Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the
interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.' 'Which deodorant do you use?'
- 'Nathan's.' 'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.' 'Which
shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.' 'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this
"Nathan's?" Is it an international or local brand?'
Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
Your Tuesday Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly
marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye
can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.
ф
Doctor Recommended
Ian visits his doctor and says, 'Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how
much I benefited from your treatment.
Doctor Martin replies, 'But you are not one of my patients.'
Ian exclaims, 'I know, but my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir!'
Thursday's Pick-me-up Drink
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
Samples of Our Free Jokes: Only in Britain
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers and large fries - but with
a diet coke.
Crazy Aussie
A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his
moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.
Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the
back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.
Police said the driver
panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.
Funny Signs - Keep a look out for similar humour
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESn't
WORK)
I Say I Say Jokes - Do you remember them?
-My wife's
gone mad in Venezuela -Caracas -Yes, absolutely loopy
One-liner Jokes
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Repeat after Me Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to their seven year old daughter Martha and said, 'Would you like to say
the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered
Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these
people to dinner?'
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Dentist
I knew a dentist, Anthony, who used to frequent the 'The Europa'
pub in Molesey, Surrey in the 1980's. Anthony always worked long hours and one day he came into the back bar particularly
tired and a little distracted. It was half term and all of his patients had been children and he explained how difficult it is to get them to keep their mouths open so that he could carry out a 'check-up'
. His
last patient of the day had been an adult and he was embarrassed to tell us that he had said to the man, 'Oh good at last a big mouth to deal with.'
The man's
gurgling sound alerted Anthony to his verbal
mistake.
American Army Soldier Story
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a
North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first
day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven
of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Funny Holiday Notices
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies
with nuts.
2)
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today - no ice cream.
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