Free Jokes for Tuesday

Will and Guy's Free Jokes for Tuesday

Tuesday's child is full of grace. 
Our ancestors saw Tuesday as a day of war.  One stem of the word Tuesday is Tyr, who was the Norse god of courage.  The Romans also named this day after their war god Mars.  The French retain this theme in their word for Tuesday, Mardi. 

Free Jokes for Tuesday

• American General's Interview - Tuesday is war day.
• Classes for Men - Well, some of us need a little education.
• Fishy Tales - Always a good source of a laugh.
• Foreign Holiday Notices - Lost in translation.
• Human Resources Horror Stories.
• Label Warnings! - Who writes this stuff?
• Maths of Marriage Jokes for Wedding Speech
• Out of Mouths of Babies - Raw truth hurts.
• Only in Britain - We all have our foibles.
• Pumpkin Jokes - Halloween special.
• Shrove Tuesday - Pancake Day
• Truisms  - Classic one liners and witticisms.

Samples of our Free Jokes: Only in Britain

Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers and large fries - but with a diet coke.

Crazy Aussie

A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.

Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.

Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.

Funny Signs - Keep a look out for similar humour

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESn't WORK)

I Say I Say Jokes - Do you remember them?

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy

One-liner Jokes

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Repeat after Me
Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to their seven year old daughter Martha and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered

Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Dentist

I knew a dentist, Anthony, who used to frequent the 'The Europa' pub in Molesey, Surrey in the 1980's. Anthony always worked long hours and one day he came into the back bar particularly tired and a little distracted. It was half term and all of his patients had been children and he explained how difficult it is to get them to keep their mouths open so that he could carry out a 'check-up' . His last patient of the day had been an adult and he was embarrassed to tell us that he had said to the man, 'Oh good at last a big mouth to deal with.' The man's gurgling sound alerted Anthony to his verbal mistake.

American Army Soldier Story

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. 

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Funny Holiday Notices

1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.

2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

4) Special today — no ice cream.

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