Funny Stories from the Church Times and Pews News

Will and Guy's Religious Humour

Religious jokes are amongst the cleanest.  Church humour has a personality all of its own.  At their best the Church Times jokes combine reverence with gently poking fun, rather like a grandfather may tease his grandson.

Funny Stories from the Church Times and Pews News

• Vicar and His Son
• Elizabeth and her Sunday School
• Finding a Priest or a Lawyer
• Care for the Mother-in-law
• Church Pews News

Vicar and His Son

Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon.

'How do you know what to say?' Andrew asked. 'Why, God tells me' , the father replied. 'Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?'

Elizabeth and her Sunday School

Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent.'  The flight to Egypt,' said Bert. 'I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, 'Elizabeth said, 'But who's the fourth person?' Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.'

Finding a Priest or a Lawyer

Betty and Martin were about to get married.  Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash.  When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth, and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.

St. Peter said, 'Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room.  He was gone for several months then at last, St Peter returned.

Martin said, 'We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married'.  Betty chipped in, 'We were wondering, if the marriage did not work you arrange for a divorce?'

St. Peter was exasperated, and then said 'Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven.  How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?'

Care for the Mother-in-law

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

Latest from the Church Pews News

• Tonight's sermon: 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.
  All ladies giving milk come early.
• Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Richards to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• 'Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning.
  Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!'

Out-takes from the Pews News

One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday. We need lots volunteers to join the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows will need extra attention.

Footnote:
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See more clean religious jokes and funny stories:

• Short Christian jokes   • Clean religious jokes   • Funny religious stories   • Funny Church signs

• Christian jokes   • Church Times & Pews News   • Adam jokes   • God and Eve   • Things God won't ask

• Church video   • Christ at Rio   • Funny religious jokes   • Funny Bible jokes   • Hell   • Home

• What are the commandments?   • Children's letters to God   • Children's religious stories