Funny Doctor Jokes

Will and Guy's Selection of Funny Doctor Jokes

• Funny Doctor Quotes
• What Sort of Medicine is Practiced here?
• Doctor's Advice
• Crazy Logic - Classic Doctor Joke
• Keep taking the pills?
• An Alternative Medical Dictionary
• Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation
• Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery
• Testing Patient

Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?'  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix 'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Funny Doctor Quotes

It is amazing what the medical profession will write. These are actual statements taken from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a consultant or two at major hospitals.

• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

What Sort of Medicine is Practiced Here?

Dangerous Corner + Patients Cross Here = ??

Doctor's Advice

Keep Taking the Medicine
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

What Vision
Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: 'Do you see any change in me?'

Quick Diagnosis
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Eating Disorder
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'

'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine.'

A live-in face
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!  Rodney Dangerfield

Crazy Logic

Kerry is medical student. When she was studying the toxicology module she attended the 'poison control centre' in the city. Kerry told a tale that a woman had 'phoned who was very upset because she had caught her little daughter eating ants. Kerry quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to take her daughter to Southampton General hospital. She calmed the caller down. At the end of the conversation the woman happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

Kerry told her that she better take her daughter to accident and emergency straightaway!

More Funny Doctor Jokes - Keep taking the pills?

One morning, Arnie went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling at all well. The doctor examined Arnie, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

Looking at Arnie he says, 'Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.'

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, 'L...........L.......L.........Lummee, Doc, exactly what is my problem?'

The doctor replied, 'Arnie, you're not drinking enough water.'

Patient Care

An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where Doctor Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.

If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.

On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.

Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?'

The Specialist

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.

'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

Best Medicine?

Will and Guy wonder what it that makes for a funny doctor joke?  After all, medical matters are not an intrinsically humorous subject.  We have come to the conclusion that for many illnesses laughter is indeed the best medicine, or at least helps people to cope.  Thus we continue our quest for more funny doctors jokes.

An Alternative Medical Dictionary: Kindly Submitted by Nigel Morris

• Artery The study of paintings
• Barium What Doctors do when patients die
• Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome
• Cauterize Made eye contact with her
• Colic A sheep dog
• D&C Where Washington is
• Dilate To live long
• Enema Not a friend
• Fibula A small lie
• Genital Not a Jew
• Impotent Distinguished, well known
• Labour Pain Getting hurt at work
• Morbid A higher offer
• Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
• Node Was aware of
• Outpatient A person who has fainted
• Post-Operative Letter carrier
• Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
• Seizure Roman Emperor
• Tablet Small table
• Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
• Urine Opposite of 'you're out'

One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.
Alice James

Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.

Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.

When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. 'The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'

Funny Doctor Quotes

• The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.  Will Rogers
• My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. Ronnie Shakes
• If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors. Jadelr and Cristina Cordova

Beware of Your Doctor Uttering These Phrases During Surgery

1. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
2. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5.  ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
6. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
7. Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.  However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
8. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Ten Funny, Witty and Clever Medical Shorts

1. My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. – Joey Bishop
2. After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'. - Larry Brown.
3. She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx.
4. I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
5. The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. – Voltaire
6. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. - Joan Rivers
7. Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. - Jerry Vale
8. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
9. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
10. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton

The Five Best, Clean and Hilarious Conversations Overheard in Hospital

1. Doctor : Are you on HRT?
   Patient : No, income support.
   
2. Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, 'No Mrs Jones, not the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE.'
   
3. A consultant at St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat] clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation:
   
   Senior surgeon (angrily) : 'For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.' [a medical device which is used to look into the ears].
   
   Distracted young nurse : 'But doctor, I don't even knew your star sign.'
   
4. A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's abdomen.
   
   Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, 'Would you pull down your knickers, please?'
   
   The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say, 'I'm so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.'
   
5.  While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, 'Thank goodness my work is completed. I'm so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle and understanding too.' When seated in the dentist's chair, I related the incident to him. He laughed heartily and explained, 'Oh, that was just my Mother.' 

   ¦

Visit to the Doctor (Doctor joke sent in by reader)

One Wednesday, Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, 'Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.'

'Well, 'the doctor replied, 'Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness' .

Sure enough, Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, 'Betty, what's for dinner?' He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, 'Betty, what's for dinner?'

Betty says, 'That's the fourth time you asked me. It's meatloaf.'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny doctor jokes

For example, One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.  Alice James

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