Funny Doctor's Advice - Doctor Humour

Will and Guy's Funny Doctor's Advice - Doctor Humour

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.  Voltaire

• New Slant on Doctor's Bed-side Manners
• Keep taking the pills?
• Secret elixir of longevity?
• The Specialist
• Take the Doctor's Advice
• Insider Dealing? Or Doctor Humour
• Tricky Logic
• Funny Doctor's Advice

1. New Slant on Doctor's Bed-side Manners

'Every GP [General Practitioner - Doctor] is to be instructed to tell fat patients that they should lose weight, putting doctors in the front line of a new offensive to tackle Britain's growing obesity problem, 'records The Times on May 3rd 2006.' In future GPs will have to treat obesity as if it were any other medical condition and advise the overweight to slim. 

It is the first time that doctors have been asked to cajole fat patients, old and young, to eat less, improve their diets and take exercise. The move by Caroline Flint, the Public Health Minister, is directed in particular at children and young people who need help to lose their excess pounds.'

Perhaps if this proves difficult we will hear this kind of conversation:

Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am.

Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.

2. Keep Taking the Pills?

One day, Harry went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn't been feeling at all well. The doctor examined Harry, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

Looking at Harry he says, 'Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another large glass of water.'

Startled to be put taking much medicine, the man stammered, 'L...........L.......L.........Lummee, Doc, exactly what is my problem?'

The doctor replied, 'Harry, you're not drinking enough water.'

3. Secret Elixir of Longevity?

Gloria, out for a walk, notices this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approaches him.

'I can't help noticing how happy you look, 'Gloria smiles at him, 'What is your secret for a long happy life?'

'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, 'he replied, 'I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.'

'That's amazing!' Gloria responds, 'How old are you?'

'Twenty-six, 'he replies.

4. The Specialist

'What kind of job do you do?' a lady passenger asks the man travelling in her train compartment.

'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

'Good grief!' splutters the lady, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

5. Take the Doctor's Advice

Dopey Danny was an extremely nervous patient whose imagination afflicted him with all kinds of misfortunes that never materialised. One afternoon he staggered into the house. Dopey Danny was bent forwards. He tottered to a chair and, still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it. 'Jenny,' he gasped, 'it's happened at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head.'

When the doctor had arrived and looked at Danny, Jenny inquired, 'Is there any hope, doc?'

'Well,' the GP replied, 'it would help a great deal if he would undo the third buttonhole of his waistcoat from the top button of his trousers.'

6. Insider Dealing?

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any real interest in his paintings which had been on display for the previous few weeks.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 17 of your paintings.'

'That's wonderful, absolutely marvellous,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The buyer was your doctor.'

7. Tricky Logic

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.  Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The consultant asks Arnold what he's doing. Arnold smiles and answers, 'Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and enquires what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, 'Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.'

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark's face is turning red and blue.

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, 'If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.'

Arnold replies with a sigh, 'What? And work in the dark.'

8. Funny Doctor's Advice

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.
Sir William Osler

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
Mary Chase

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
Ronnie Shakes

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
Will Rogers

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
Tommy Cooper

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