Funny Bus Driver Stories

Will and Guy's Funny Bus Driver Stories

On this page we have an assortment: true stories about drunks, also a mixture of funny but clean jokes featuring drunks and barmen.

• True Bus Driver Story
• Peanuts
• Big Eric and The Bus Driver
• Rope a Dope?
• Chicago Newspaper Story

1) True Bus Driver Story - The Drunk

Will and Guy have an old friend called Dave Barker who lives in Portsmouth, Hampshire.  In recent years Dave has turned his hand to driving buses.

One Thursday an inebriated man got on Dave's double-decker bus and sat in the bottom deck close to Dave.  Now, Dave is not meant to allow drunks onto his bus but he had a good heart and let the man stay on.

The man started rambling on and on, so Dave suggested he should sit upstairs. 'The air is cleaner up there and you'll get a much better view.' The man agreed, but returned a few minutes later. 'What's wrong?' Dave asked. 'Don't you like it better up there?'

'It's fine', the drunk said. 'But it's too dangerous: There's no driver'.

At the next stop two more drunks got onto a bus. The first, name of Bill, asks 'Will this bus take me to 25th Street?'

The bus driver says, 'No, it won't.'

After a pause, the second man, name of Gerry, inquires, 'What about me?'

Footnote
One day, perhaps we will tell the full story of Dave, the asthma attack and the breathalyzer, but for now I leave the details to your imagination.

See more drunk jokes here

2) Peanuts

Dave, our bus driver friend, tells the story of when he was driving a bus load pensioners to Brighton, on a day trip, when he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he happily took and ate. After about 20 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and she handed him another handful of peanuts. The old dear repeated this generous gesture several more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he decided to ask the little old lady, 'Why don't you and your friends eat the peanuts yourself?' . 

'We can't chew them because We've no teeth' , she answered. 

Dave was puzzled and enquired, 'Then why on earth do you buy them?'

'Oh, we just love the chocolate around them', replied the old lady. 

3) Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay', and took his seat.  Dave was only a little man and he didn't really want to argue.

This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn't want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, 'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'

'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass', the man replied.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny bus driver stories

4) Rope a Dope?

Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope, 'Hey! We don't serve ropes in here.' So one of the ropes left.

The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot.

The bartender said to the rope, 'Are you a rope?' and the rope said, 'I'm afraid not'.

Footnote

Guy had to read the joke three times before I got it.  I'm a frayed knot!  The only reason that I persevered is that I trust Will to deliver quality jokes.  I guess you get two dopes for the price of one with this funny.

5) Chicago Newspaper Story

When two service station attendants in Chicago, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police.  They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

6) Trees Get Fresh

The Highway Patrol car pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. 'Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?'

The driver replies, 'Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me.'

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer says, 'Sir, that's your air freshener.'

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