Human Resources: Distribution: ALL STAFF Tuesday Jan 3rd.
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada trainers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not
need a pay rise
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
HOLIDAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The holidays are as follows: January 1 & December 25
¢
TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with '
A'
will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with '
B'
will go
from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their
time with a co-worker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the '
trap'
door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the '
Chronic Offenders'
category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our
company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Analyse the situation you find:- a. If they are counting the
bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. b. If they are
recounting them, put them in Auditing. c. If they have messed up the
whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering. d. If they are
arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. e.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. g. If they have
broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. i. If they
say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. j. If they have
already left for the day, put them in Marketing. k. If they are
staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. l. If
they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Footnote: Funny HR item kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt
These funnies landed on the desk of the Human Resources Director
I have a graduate degree in unclear physics.
My hobbies include raising long-eared rabbis as pets.
My last job was as a plumbing and hating specialists.
I worked for 6 years as an uninformed security guard.
The academic scholarship I earned came with a plague.
Most of my experience to this point has been as a blue-color worker.
As part of the city maintenance crew, I repaired bad roads and
defective brides.
My career goal is to shave my talents with a growing company.
This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And
an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years
and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please
grant me 10 days leave.
A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup so they hired a
new head of human resources. Well, the new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, this HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against
a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know
that he meant business; so he asked the guy, "How much money do you make
a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $500 a
week. Why?"
The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and
said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Resimay
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I
am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a
job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every
day, no strings attached, just part of our service. Free
subscription to
our Funny Joke of the Day email.
We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos. Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:
Thought of the Day Subscription
Our offer is to email you an inspirational
'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there
are no adverts. Sign up for our 'Thought of
the Day'.
