Will and Guy's Irish Jokes
Will and Guy's Good but Clean Irish Jokes
It would be a shame if 'Political correctness' prevented people telling the best of 'Irish Jokes'.
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1) Kerryman Joke
Donncha Cleary walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke.
'I'm warning you,' said the barman,
'That I come from Tralee in Kerry meself.'
'Dat's alright,' said Donncha, 'I'll tell it slowly.'
Apparently there is something deep in the human psyche about telling such jokes. Every culture tells similar stories, they just change the names. For instance, in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerrymen for Irish. And in County Kerry they would substitute 'West Kerrymen' for Irish.
2) How old is old?
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'
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3) Irish Job Application
Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Murphy, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
4) The Irish Arrive in America
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.
' No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
5) Wisdom of the Irish - or Would that be Irish Wisdom?
O'Toole died and went to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met O'Toole at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry O'Toole,’ St Peter said, 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to hold an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's alright,’ answered O'Toole. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist
of?'
'Just 3 Questions,' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked O'Toole.
The first,' said St Peter, 'Is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T'?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The
third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?
Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So O'Toole left and gave those three questions some considerable thought. The following morning, St Peter called upon O'Toole and asked if he had considered the questions, to which O'Toole replied, 'I have so too.
Question 1
'Well then,’ said St Peter, 'Which two
days of the week start with the letter T?'
O'Toole replied with a grin, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
Question 2
'Well then O'Toole, could I have your
answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many
seconds in a year?'
O'Toole immediately responded, 'Just the 12!'
'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure
O'Toole?'
'Easy,' said O'Toole, 'there's the second of January, the
second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total
of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at O'Toole and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later St Peter returned to O'Toole. 'I'll allow the answer to stand O'Toole, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.’
Question 3
Now O'Toole, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?'
O'Toole replied, 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Mr
O'Toole?'
'It's Andy.’
'Andy?’
'Yes, Andy,' confirmed O'Toole.
This totally flabbergasted St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating over the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to O'Toole, enquired, ‘O'Toole, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy,' laughed O'Toole, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'
And so Paddy entered Heaven...............................
Footnote:
Please send us the best of your Irish jokes.
See more St Patrick's Day jokes and funny Irish stories :
● St Patrick's Day ● Guinness video ● Irish blessings ● Irish jokes ● Irish stories ● Logic ● Dogs
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