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Will and Guy's Good Irish Jokes

Will and Guy's Collection of Good Irish JokesClean Irish jokes and  funny stories

We aim for variety with our collection of Irish humour both on this page and in the rest of the joke section.

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Kerryman Joke

Donncha Cleary walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke.

'I'm warning you,' said the barman, 'That I come from Tralee in Kerry meself.'
'Dat's alright,' said Donncha, 'I'll tell it slowly.'

Apparently there is something deep in the human psyche about telling such jokes.  Every culture tells similar stories, they just change the names.  For instance, in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerrymen for Irish.  And in County Kerry they would substitute 'West Kerrymen' for Irish.

How old is old?Irish Joke, miles from dublin

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'

'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'

Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'

'What was his name?' asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'

More Good Irish Jokes

Irish Job Application

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.  When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'

Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'

Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'

Murphy, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'

Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'

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Wisdom of the Irish - Or Would That Be Irish Wisdom?

O'Toole died and went to Heaven.  Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met O'Toole at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry O'Toole,' St Peter said, 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to hold an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's alright,' answered O'Toole. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just 3 Questions,' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked O'Toole.

The first,' said St Peter, 'Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So O'Toole left and gave those three questions some considerable thought.  The following morning, St Peter called upon O'Toole and asked if he had considered the questions, to which O'Toole replied, 'I have so too.

Question 1
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

O'Toole replied with a grin, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 

Question 2

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'Well then O'Toole, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

O'Toole immediately responded, 'Just the 12!'

'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure O'Toole?'
'Easy,' said O'Toole, 'there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at O'Toole and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later St Peter returned to O'Toole. 'I'll allow the answer to stand O'Toole, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.' 

Question 3Wisdom of the Irish
Now O'Toole, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

O'Toole replied, 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Mr O'Toole?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?'
'Yes, Andy,' confirmed O'Toole.

This totally flabbergasted St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating over the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to O'Toole, enquired, 'O'Toole, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy,' laughed O'Toole, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

And so Paddy entered Heaven...............................

Short Irish Funnies

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..  "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya bloomin’ idiot!"

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