Funny Lawyer Jokes

Will and Guy's Humour - Funny Lawyer Jokes

I have to say that these lawyer jokes are a little acerbic - but I like them.  Do have a read, I am sure that you will find plenty of one-liners which match your sense of humour.

• Lawyer Jokes
• Funny Lawyer Quotes
• 'The Jury'

Lawyer Jokes

• Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
  From chasing parked ambulances.
• What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
  Your honor.
• What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
  Senator.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
  You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
• How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
  His lips are moving.
• What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
  There are skid marks in front of the dog.
• How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
  Depends on how thin you slice them.
• What do lawyers do when they die ?
  Lie still.

More Funny Lawyers Jokes

I have heard rumours that some of these jokes were written by lawyers - for money naturally!

• Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
  Professional courtesy.
• What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
  Not enough sand.
• What is the definition of a shame (as in 'that's a shame' )?
  When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
• What is the definition of a 'crying shame' ?
  There was an empty seat.
• How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
  Never enough.
• Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
  No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
• What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
  A lobotomy.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
  The lawyer charges more.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
  A vampire only sucks blood at night.
• What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
  A doberman.
• How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
  Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
• Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
  Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
• What do Lawyers do when they die ?
  Lie still

It is strange the way 'Funny Lawyer Jokes' has a certain 'ring' to it; whereas funny attorney jokes, or funny legal representative jokes don't have the same 'cachet'.

Funny Lawyer Quotes

'If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.'
Joe Martin

A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.'
Benjamin H. Brewster

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
LM Boyd

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shovelling smoke.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
HL Mencken

Another Batch of Funny Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer on Holiday

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, 'I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.'

'That's quite a coincidence,' said the engineer. 'I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.'

The lawyer looked confused... 'How do you start a flood?'

The Jury:

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, 'the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. 'Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. 'He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

'But how?' inquired the lawyer. 'You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.' The jury foreman replied, 'Yes, we did look, but your client didn't.'

Addendum
This jury story has all the hallmarks of a lawyer joke that has a grain of truth, but which has been embellished. 

Funny Lawyer / Witness Exchange

Lawyer: Could you see her from where you were positioned?
Witness: I could see her head.

Lawyer: And exactly where was her head?
Witness: Just above her shoulders.

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny lawyer jokes

For example, Grant sent in this lawyer joke:

" What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Cat Fish?
a... One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other one is a Fish!

And Jack sent in:

Why is a lawyer's grave 12 feet deep instead of the usual 6?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

What do you get when you cross a libel lawyer with the demon from hell?
Another libel lawyer.

More stupid lawyer jokes -->

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