Funny Lawyer Jokes
I have to say that these lawyer jokes are a little acerbic - but I like them! Do have a read, I am sure that you will find plenty of one-liners which match your sense of humour.
More Funny Lawyers Jokes
It is strange the way 'Funny Lawyer Jokes' has a certain 'ring' to it; whereas funny attorney jokes, or funny legal representative jokes don't have the same 'cachet'.
'If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.'
A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and
ends giving $5 worth for $500.'
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame,
two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
a great deal of their time shovelling smoke.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
Another Batch of Funny Lawyer Jokes
How many lawyer jokes are there? ONLY 3. All the rest of them are TRUE STORIES.
Lawyer on Holiday
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, 'I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.'
'That's quite a coincidence,' said the engineer. 'I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.'
The lawyer looked confused... 'How do you start a flood?'
Lawyers Served in the Pub
A man walked into a bar with an alligator under his arm and asked the bartender, 'Do you serve lawyers here'.
'Yes', said the bartender.
'Good', said the man, 'In that case I'll have a whisky, and a lawyer for my alligator'.
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury of which to be proud.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, 'the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. 'Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom. 'He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
'But how?' inquired the lawyer. 'You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.' The jury foreman replied, 'Yes, we did look, but your client didn't look he just stared straight ahead.'
Funny Lawyer / Witness Exchange
Lawyer: Could you see her from where you were positioned?
Lawyer: And exactly where was her head?
For example, Grant sent in this lawyer joke:
" What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Cat Fish?
And Jack sent in:
Why is a lawyer's grave 12 feet deep instead of the usual 6?
What do you get when you cross a libel lawyer with the demon from hell?
Jo Andrews at the Red Cross realized that they had not ever received a donation from one of Philedelphia's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his smart office suite.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over 6 million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Red Cross?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the Red Cross rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken Red Cross rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated Red Cross rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
Lawyer Joke For Christmas
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Betty and Martin were about to get married. Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash. When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth, and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.
St. Peter said, 'Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room. He was gone for several months then at last, St Peter returned.
Martin said, 'We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married'. Betty chipped in, 'We were wondering, if the marriage did not work you arrange for a divorce?'
St. Peter was exasperated, and then said 'Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?'
Comedian: do you know how to stop a bus load of lawyers from going off a
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