Will and Guy's humour, Funny stories only in America

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Will and Guy's Humour - Only in America

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Oscar Wilde

I suppose the only excuse for the moving staircase is if the men are running up the 'down' escalator - unlikely.

Mitch Hedberg says: I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

2) Only in America - Crazy Awards

A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.

'Only in America' was the first of this crazy or idiosyncratic genre. However it has spawned a whole host of imitators, 'Only in England' and 'Only in in Australia' spring to mind.

3) Jobs in America
Kindly sent by Alex Skinger

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with gas (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

4) Only in Texas

Where other than Texas do people prize their cattle more than their cars? Don't answer that Scotland!

4a) Need a Cowboy? (Kindly sent in by Jerry Simpson)

Needing help with the ranch she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other was a drunk and known to be very lazy. She thought about it and hired the gay guy thinking that he would be safer to have around.

Her selection proved to be a very hard worker who put in long hours and knew a great deal about ranching.
To reward his good work she let him have some time off to go into town for some fun.

Late that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room he saw the woman standing next to the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.
She then told him to 'come closer' as she put her wine glass down.

Then she said: 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off!'
While trembling, he complied with her request and took the blouse off.

'Now take my boots off,' she said.
'Now my socks.' The hired hand again complied but was getting more and more embarrassed.

'Now take off my skirt.' He did as told and unzipped and removed the skirt.
'Now take off my bra.' And, again he did as he was told.

'Now take off my panties.' He slowly pulled them down and threw them on the floor with the rest of the clothes.
She fixed him with a very determined look and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again then I’ll fired you!'

5) Can you believe this? Could it only happen in America?

5a) A jury of her peers awarded a woman from Austin, Texas, USA $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving child was the woman's own son.

5b) A 19 year old youth from Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. The young man apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

5c) A thief from Bristol, PA, was leaving a house he had robbed through the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so the robber. found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset the thief, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

5d) A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay a woman from Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because the woman had thrown it at her boyfriend thirty seconds earlier during an argument.

5e) A woman from Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while she was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses

6) Texas A&M Students

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.' Just to establish some parameters, 'said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, 'What is the opposite of joy?'

'And the opposite of depression?' the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

'And you sir', he said to the young man from Texas A&M. 'How about the opposite of woe?'

7) Only In America

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. Arnold Toynbee

Only in America

Will and Guy's Humour - Only in America

1) Fitness - American Style

2) Only in America - Crazy Awards

3) Jobs in America
Kindly sent by Alex Skinger

®

4) Only in Texas

4a) Need a Cowboy? (Kindly sent in by Jerry Simpson)

5) Can you believe this? Could it only happen in America?

6) Texas A&M Students

7) Only In America

See more only in America:

Joke of the day

Jokes for mobile phones / cell phones

Only in America

Will and Guy's Humour - Only in America

1) Fitness - American Style

2) Only in America - Crazy Awards

3) Jobs in America Kindly sent by Alex Skinger

4) Only in Texas

4a) Need a Cowboy? (Kindly sent in by Jerry Simpson)

5) Can you believe this? Could it only happen in America?

6) Texas A&M Students

7) Only In America

See more only in America:

Joke of the day

Jokes for mobile phones / cell phones

3) Jobs in America
Kindly sent by Alex Skinger