Funny Perks of Being Over Sixty

Funny Perks of Being Over Sixty

Here are amusing perks for the over 60s.  Not to mention sage advice for those of tender year.

• Over Sixties One-liners
• Short Term Investment
• Keep on Walking - One-liners for those who are mentally over 60s
• A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today'
• Hymns for the Over 60s
• Obituaries - One-liners for the over 60s
• Obituary - Common Sense

Over Sixties One-liners

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Short Term Investment

A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.

The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, 'I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years.'

'Five years? Are you kidding?' splutters the old man. 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Keep on Walking -
One-liners for those who are mentally over 60s.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today' as We Grow Older

1. Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
6. He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
7. Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
11. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
12. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

 Hymns for the Over 60s

• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• Just a Slower Walk with Thee
• Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Left my Car
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
• Blessed Insurance
• It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

Obituaries - More Jokes and One-liners for the over 60s

Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column.  He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, 'How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper?'

'£1.20 per word, sir, 'replies the newspaperman respectfully.'

'Ok', says Graham, 'are you ready?'

'Yes', came the answer.

'The obit. reads - ' Jones dead'.'

'No more?' asks the newsman in a very surprised voice.

'No, that's it, 'came the reply.

'I have to tell you, 'announced the advertiser, 'but there is a 5 word minimum.'

'Why didn't you tell me before?' complained Graham, 'in that case it will read:

'Jones dead.  Volkswagen for sale'

Obituary - Common Sense

This interesting yet sad obituary was sent to Will and Guy by a regular reader of our site. It represents a view often taken by British people when looking at the society that they have helped create. It may also apply in other countries. Let us know.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain
• Why the early bird gets the worm
• Life isn't always fair
• and maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

1. I Know My Rights
2. I Want It Now
3. Someone Else Is To Blame
4. I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Footnote:
Please send us your perks for the over 60s.

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