Funny Political Jokes and One-liners

Guy and Will's Funny Political Jokes

I was pleasantly surprised how funny politician jokes could be.  What a contrast between their speeches and these witty one-liners.

Incidentally, at first I thought this picture was of a man holding a ventriloquists dummy, not a politician kissing a baby.

• Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners
• Surprising  Funny Political Jokes from Famous People
• George Bush Jokes
• The Politics of Deng Xiaoping and George W Bush
• More Funny Political Jokes and One-liners
• Tory or Labour? - Political Cats

1) Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners

• In democracy it's your vote that counts;
  In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  Mogens Jallberg
• The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
  Larry Hardiman
• 'The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.'
  Will Rogers
• 'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.' 
  Thomas Pickering
• 'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.'
  Ronald Reagan
• Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.
• I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
• When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' 
  Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents since)
• 'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'.
  Ronald Reagan
• 'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'.
  Ronald Reagan
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
  Doug Larson
• Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
  Gore Vidal
• 'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'.
  Sir Ernest Benn
• 'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'. Napoleon Bonaparte.
• On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.'
  Alexis de Toqueville
• 'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy'.
  Ernest Benn
• 'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'. Wayne Haisley
• 'There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you'.
  Will Rogers
• 'Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk'.
  Edgar A. Shoaff
• 'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.'
  Joseph Levine
• 'Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers'.
  Nikita Kruschchev
• 'Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.'
  Mack McGinnis
• Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
  Anon
• 'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.'
  George Mitchell.
• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
• Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Kin Hubbard
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.  PJ O'Rourke
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
  Will Rogers
• Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
  Alfred E. Newman

2) Surprising Funny Political Jokes from Famous People - Who Should Have Known Better

'This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?' American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.

'Edison's electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men'.  British Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting in 1878.

'X-rays are a hoax'.  Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society in 1900.

'Man will not fly for fifty years'.  Wilbur Wright to his brother, Orville, in 1901. In 1903 Wilbur and Orville flew the first powered flight.

3) George Bush Political Jokes

1) 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls'.  George W Bush [President USA]

2) Washington DC Newsflash: A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished colouring the second one.

3) Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: 'Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed'. 'OH NO!' the President exclaims. 'That's terrible!'

His staff are stunned at this display of emotion, they watch nervously as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, 'How many is a brazillion?'

George W. Bush Monument Committee

Dear Friends:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush. The committee originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington , DC , Hall of Fame.

We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the well-being of the majority of the population while he was there, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you,
George W. Bush Monument Committee

P.S. We have raised $1.35 so far

Jokes about other politicians

It seems that the more successful a politician becomes, the more funny political jokes that they attract.  Thus for many up and coming stars, being the butt of a political joke is a cross between a badge of honour and rite of passage.

'The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.' Cyril Smith [Former UK Member of Parliament]

'I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts'.  Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country'.  Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]

This joke could be heard in the capital of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics [USSR], ] Moscow, in the 1950's.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man
Socialism is the exact opposite.

4) The Politics of Deng Xiaoping and George W Bush

Deng Xiaoping, then leader of China, and George W Bush, President of the USA, met to discuss whose army was the bravest.

They decided to abandon politics and have a competition whereby a soldier from each army was take to the top of a tall building in Beijing and told to jump off to show their bravery.

The American soldier looked at the fall and turned to President Bush and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do this because I have a wife and small child.' President Bush understood totally.

The Chinese soldier jumped off the skyscraper without even looking. Sometime later, having miraculously survived the fall, he spoke to President Bush who asked him, 'You are very brave, but why did you jump?'

Answering Bush, while looking at Deng Xiaoping, the Chinese soldier replied, 'Because, sir, I also have a wife and small child.'

5) More Funny Political Jokes and One-liners

A nationwide poll held in the UK was commissioned by 'UKTV History' to mark the publication of the political journalist and commentator Andrew Marr's History of Modern Britain. Almost 3,000 people were asked for their opinion.

Will and Guy show below the top ten results. We guess that you will find them amusing, funny, in part hilarious and sometimes quite strange; in fact, exactly like our politicians.

1) Boris Johnson [Elected Mayor of London in 2008]: 'I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as being decapitated by a Frisbee or of finding Elvis.'

2) John Prescott [Former Deputy-Prime Minister]: 'The Green Belt is a Labour initiative and we intend to build on it.'

3) Harriet Harman [Cabinet Minister]: 'Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as brain-dead louts - that goes for me as well.'

4) Robin Cook [Former Foreign Secretary]: 'They found more dangerous chemicals in Coca-Cola's Dasani mineral water than they did in the whole of Iraq.'

5) Harold Macmillan [Former Prime Minister]: 'It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has first to grow up to be an old fool to realise what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool.'

6) Boris Johnson: 'Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party - the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening.'

7) Margaret Thatcher: 'I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.'

8) Michael Howard [former Cabinet Minister]: 'You are the deals-on-wheels Prime Minister - no wonder the Chancellor is not a happy eater!'

9) David Blunkett David is supposed to be a sad, lonely, old, blind b*****. David’s not meant to have fun or go to nice restaurants or - heaven forbid - have s**.

10) Edward Heath [1970's Prime Minister]: 'Do you know what Margaret Thatcher did in her first Budget? Introduced VAT on yachts! It somewhat ruined my retirement.'

Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.

6) Tory or Labour? - Political Cats

Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'

Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they?  'Socialists', the child says.

'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.

A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'

The boy replies, 'They're Tories.'

'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed? 'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny political jokes.

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