Funny Political Jokes and One-liners

Guy and Will's Funny Political Jokes

I was pleasantly surprised how funny politician jokes could be.  What a contrast between their speeches and these witty one-liners.

Incidentally, at first I thought this picture was of a man holding a ventriloquists dummy, not a politician kissing a baby.

• Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners
• Surprising  Funny Political Jokes from Famous People
• George Bush Jokes
• More Funny Political Jokes and One-liners
• Tory or Labour? - Political Cats

Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners

• In democracy it's your vote that counts;
  In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  Mogens Jallberg
• The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
  Larry Hardiman
• 'The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.'
  Will Rogers
• 'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.' 
  Thomas Pickering
• 'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.'
  Ronald Reagan
• Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.
• I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
• When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' 
  Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents since)
• 'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'.
  Ronald Reagan
• 'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'.
  Ronald Reagan
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
  Doug Larson
• Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
  Gore Vidal
• 'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'.
  Sir Ernest Benn
• 'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'. Napoleon Bonaparte.
• On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.'
  Alexis de Toqueville
• 'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy'.
  Ernest Benn
• 'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'. Wayne Haisley
• 'There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you'.
  Will Rogers
• 'Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk'.
  Edgar A. Shoaff
• 'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.'
  Joseph Levine
• 'Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers'.
  Nikita Kruschchev
• 'Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.'
  Mack McGinnis
• Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
  Anon
• 'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.'
  George Mitchell.
• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
• Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Kin Hubbard
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.  PJ O'Rourke
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
  Will Rogers
• Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
  Alfred E. Newman

Surprising Funny Political Jokes from Famous People - Who Should Have Known Better

'This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?' American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.

'Edison's electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men'.  British Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting in 1878.

'X-rays are a hoax'.  Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society in 1900.

Odd, Amusing and Funny British Political Fact

10 Downing Street* is one of the most heavily protected buildings in Britain.

Apart from the "decorative" policeman, the front door cannot be opened at all from the outside because it has no handle, and no one can enter the building without passing through an airport-style scanner and a set of security gates manned by armed guards.

Despite this, Will and Guy have heard that in the first five years after Tony Blair became Prime Minister [1997 -2002], 37 computers, 4 mobile phones, two cameras, a mini-disc player, a video recorder, four printers, two projectors and a bicycle were stolen from inside the house.

*Number 10 Downing Street, in London, is the residence and office of the First Lord of the Treasury and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Political Comment - 'Politician-speak'

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well. - Len Deighton

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. - Unknown.

What Do You Know? How Much Is A Billion?

Will and Guy are fascinated with the easy way in which politicians regularly and often throw out the number: "billion" in interviews and conversations. How much is it? What does it mean to us all?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money.

• A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective for us all in one of its releases:
• A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
• A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
• A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
  And....................
• A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends our money.

Jokes About Other Politicians

It seems that the more successful a politician becomes, the more funny political jokes that they attract.  Thus for many up and coming stars, being the butt of a political joke is a cross between a badge of honour and rite of passage.

'The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.' Cyril Smith [Former UK Member of Parliament]

'I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts'.  Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country'.  Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]

This joke could be heard in the capital of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics [USSR], ] Moscow, in the 1950's.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man
Socialism is the exact opposite.

More Funny Political Jokes and One-liners

A nationwide poll held in the UK was commissioned by 'UKTV History' to mark the publication of the political journalist and commentator Andrew Marr's History of Modern Britain. Almost 3,000 people were asked for their opinion.

Will and Guy show below the top ten results. We guess that you will find them amusing, funny, in part hilarious and sometimes quite strange; in fact, exactly like our politicians.

1) Boris Johnson [Elected Mayor of London in 2008]: 'I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as being decapitated by a Frisbee or of finding Elvis.'

2) John Prescott [Former Deputy-Prime Minister]: 'The Green Belt is a Labour initiative and we intend to build on it.'

3) Harriet Harman [Cabinet Minister]: 'Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as brain-dead louts - that goes for me as well.'

4) Robin Cook [Former Foreign Secretary]: 'They found more dangerous chemicals in Coca-Cola's Dasani mineral water than they did in the whole of Iraq.'

5) Harold Macmillan [Former Prime Minister]: 'It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has first to grow up to be an old fool to realise what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool.'

6) Boris Johnson: 'Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party - the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening.'

7) Margaret Thatcher: 'I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.'

8) Michael Howard [former Cabinet Minister]: 'You are the deals-on-wheels Prime Minister - no wonder the Chancellor is not a happy eater!'

9) David Blunkett David is supposed to be a sad, lonely, old, blind b*****. David's not meant to have fun or go to nice restaurants or - heaven forbid - have s**.

10) Edward Heath [1970's Prime Minister]: 'Do you know what Margaret Thatcher did in her first Budget? Introduced VAT on yachts! It somewhat ruined my retirement.'

Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.

Tory or Labour? - Political Cats

Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'

Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they?  'Socialists', the child says.

'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.

A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'

The boy replies, 'They're Tories.'

'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed? 'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.'

George Bush Political Jokes

1) 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls'.  George W Bush [President USA]

2) Washington DC Newsflash: A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished colouring the second one.

3) Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: 'Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed'. 'OH NO!' the President exclaims. 'That's terrible!'

His staff are stunned at this display of emotion, they watch nervously as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, 'How many is a brazillion?'

See more Bushisms

Four Funny Political Shorts

1)  Four years ago, my brother ran for state senator.
What does he do now?
Nothing. He got elected.

2) Why don't we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician's house?

Professional courtesy.

3) Mum: What makes you think our son will be a politician?

Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.

4) A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. 'What party does your husband belong to?' he asked.

The lady responded curtly, 'I sir, am the party he belongs to.'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny political jokes.

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