Funny Politician Jokes and One-liners

 Will and Guy's Funny Politician Jokes

I was pleasantly surprised how funny politician jokes could be.  What a contrast between their soporific speeches and these witty one-liners.

• Funny Political Jokes from Famous People
• Jokes About Other Politicians
• Funny Political One-Liners
• Best Short Politician Jokes
• George Bush Jokes
• Tory or Labour? - Political Cats

Funny Political Jokes from Famous People

'This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?' American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.

'Edison's electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men'.  British Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting in 1878.

'X-rays are a hoax'.  Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society in 1900.

Jokes About Other Politicians

It seems that the more successful a politician becomes, the more funny political jokes that they attract.  Thus for many up and coming stars, being the butt of a political joke is a cross between a badge of honour and rite of passage.

• 'The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.' Cyril Smith [Former UK Member of Parliament]
• 'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country'.  Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]
• This joke could be heard back in the 1960s in Moscow, USSR.
  
  What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
  Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man
  Socialism is the exact opposite.
• 'I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts'.  Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]
• See more political jokes

Tory or Labour? - Political Cats

Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, 'What's in the box sonny?' To which the little boy says, 'Kittens, They're brand new kittens.'

Gordon Brown laughs and says, 'What kind of kittens are they?  'Socialists', the child says.

'Oh that's lovely, 'Gordon smiles and he runs off.

A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, 'Watch this.' and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Gordon says, 'Look in the box Tony, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.'

The boy replies, 'They're Tories.'

'What?' Gordon says, 'I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What's changed? 'Well, 'the lad says, 'Their eyes are open now.'

Funny Political One-Liners

• In democracy it's your vote that counts;
  In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  Mogens Jallberg
• The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
  Larry Hardiman
• 'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.' 
  Thomas Pickering
• 'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.'
  Ronald Reagan
• Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.
• 'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'.
  Ronald Reagan
• 'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'.
  Ronald Reagan
• Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
  Gore Vidal

   ♪

• 'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'.
  Sir Ernest Benn
• 'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'.
  Napoleon Bonaparte.
• On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.'
  Alexis de Toqueville
• 'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy'.
  Ernest Benn
• 'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'.
  Wayne Haisley
• 'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.'
  Joseph Levine
• Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.
  Anon
• 'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.'
  George Mitchell.
• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
• Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
  Kin Hubbard
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.  PJ O'Rourke
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
  Will Rogers

Amusing Election Joke

The Vicar spoke to his curate. "I'm going away today, but I'll be back on Saturday evening in time to conduct matins on Sunday morning. Will you make sure the hymn numbers are put up on Saturday afternoon so that everything is ready when the service begins?  They’re all written on this piece of paper apart from the first hymn."

"Yes, certainly Vicar, but what are you doing about the first hymn?" asked the curate.

"It depends", said the Vicar. "It’s Polling Day for the General Election on Thursday.  The first hymn will depend on the result.  If the Conservatives have a sufficient majority to form a government, it'll be 283, "Now thank we all our God. However, if Labour has most seats and are going to form the next government, then put up number 578, "Go labour on, spend and be spent."

"Yes, right", said the curate. I'll see you on Sunday morning.

"Oh, there's just one thing," said the curate. Suppose the Liberal Democrats have the majority, what number would you want me to put up in that circumstance?"

"Oh, in that circumstance, it’ll be 482, "God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform."

More Funny Politician Jokes

Five of the Best Short Politician Jokes

1. Only in Britain......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well.
   "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
2. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.
3. Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
4. During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.
5. Nobody can fix the economy.
   Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.
   Nobody's perfect.
   Vote for Nobody.

George Bush Political Jokes

1) 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls'.  George W Bush [President USA]

2) Washington DC Newsflash: A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished colouring the second one.

3) Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: 'Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed'. 'OH NO!' the President exclaims. 'That's terrible!'

His staff are stunned at this display of emotion, they watch nervously as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, 'How many is a brazillion?'

See more Bushisms

Lord Mandelson Visits School

Did anyone tell you about the day when Lord Peter Mandelson was visiting a primary school in England, and was taken into the room of a class discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asked Lord Mandelson whether he would care to lead a discussion on the word "Tragedy", so he asked the class to give him an example.

A little boy stood up, and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was playing in the field, and a tractor ran over him, and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," said Lord Mandelson, 'that wouldn't be a tragedy: that would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand: "If the school bus had fifty boys and girls in it, and it drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not," explained Lord Mandelson; "That is what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No child volunteered.

Lord Mandelson's eyes searched the room. "Can no one here give me an example of a tragedy?"

At the back of the room, a little hand went up, and a quiet voice said, "If a plane carrying you and Mr Brown was struck by friendly fire and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Magnificent!" exclaimed Lord Mandelson, "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," said the quiet voice, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident."  Kindly send in by Les.

Four Funny Political Shorts

1. Four years ago, my brother ran for state senator.
   What does he do now?
   Nothing. He got elected.
2.  Why don't we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician's house?
   
   Professional courtesy.
3.  Mum: What makes you think our son will be a politician?
   
   Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.
4.  A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. 'What party does your husband belong to?' he asked.
   
   The lady responded curtly, 'I sir, am the party he belongs to.'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny politician jokes.

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