Newspaper Humour - Funny Adverts

Newspaper Humour - Funny Adverts

Those personal, or small adverts that you find in any newspaper, are a rich source of humour.  They say that top comedians have a team of researches scouring the newspapers for material to incorporate in their jokes and one-liners.  Let us follow their lead and flick thought the small ads.

• Tip - Always Read the Small Adverts Column
• Another batch of funny adverts
• Funny adverts gathered from local newspapers

Tip - Always Read the Small Adverts Column

• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take home.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Sytle - our name says it all
  (See small ad opposite)
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Another batch of funny adverts

• Great Dames for sale.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. (See picture opposite)
• Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• If you think You've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Funny adverts gathered from local newspapers

Indecision - I cannot decide
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and cream cakes and hence dying from heart disease; then in the next breath, they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. 

Alton Towers
'Where the magic never ends', or so Alton Towers' publicity claims.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30pm.

Mail order? or Female Order?
I am married to a Malaysian lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

Ironing Buddies
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her.  Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

My Mum's Older than Your Mum
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Clever Son of a Gun?
A Mercedes car was involved in an accident in York Street, Doncaster. As expected a crowd gathered and a journalist from the Doncaster Evening News was anxious to get a story but he could not get near the car. Being a clever cove, he started shouting loudly, 'Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.' The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

(Trivia: Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.)

Clamp down
I'll never understand my next door neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has parked it in his own drive. I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Small Fry?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the 'Chips 'r Us' fish and chippy on the Sutton Road.

More Funny Newspaper Small Ads

• In the classified ads: Sewing-machine mechanic to work in ladies' housecoats. Good wages and working conditions.
• At yesterday's Columbus Day fair, a woman was bitten by a dog in the entertainment area.
• Four poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.
• Sign on notice board: For Sale: exercise bike good as new. Please call Mrs. Stout.

Footnote
Please send us any funny adverts

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