Witticisms from the Hard School of Knocks

Will and Guy's favourite Witticisms

The only reason you get wiser as you get older is because you don't make the same stupid mistake twice.  Jonathan Tondee

• Pure Witticisms
• Witticisms or Wit-less?
• Jungle Talk

Pure Witticisms

1. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
2. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
10. It was all so different before everything changed.
11. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
13. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
14. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
15. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
16. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
17. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
18. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
19. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
20. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
22. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
23. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
24. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
25. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
26. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Regarding #2. Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton

Witticisms

Although Oscar Wilde did not invent the word 'Witticism', to me he is the master of this branch of humour, for example:

• 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.'
• 'A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.'
• 'I am not young enough to know everything.'

See more Oscar Wilde's Witty Quotes

Footnote:
Please send me your favourite witticisms

Witticisms or Wit-less?

Key question is there an opposite of witticism?  We don't know the answer, but here here are a few one-liners that would be contenders for such an anti-witticism category.

1. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
3. Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
4. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
5. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
6. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
   [Taste like chicken?]
7. Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin
   Wit-less Contestant: I did not know that he was dead.

See more wise words

Jungle Talk

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength ... None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all ... hawk, lion and stinker.  See more silly puns

See more of Guy's top ten jokes and funny stories:

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