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We love humour which delivers the unexpected. We also think that people who take themselves very seriously, should have fun poked at them.
What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days ....
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Walmart."
Who Would Have Children?
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only
thing that keeps some parents going.
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep
away from children.
The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.
"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised.
"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised.
"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6
"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
Youth - v - Age
Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.
Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Towel nappies because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room
and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember
them?), not a screen the size of Scotland In the kitchen. We blended and
stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything
for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded
up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back
then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We
pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we
didn't need to go to a health club
We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £50,000 ‘People Carrier’ which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pub!
But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartarse who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!
Here endeth the bloody lesson!
WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS
A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:
............. I looked a complete idiot on the bus this morning!!!!"
Short Irish Cemetery Jokes
Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.
Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.
Officer: How tall is she?
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Officer: Colour of her hair?
Officer: What was she wearing?
Officer: Was she driving?
Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected ... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.
One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.
Professor Wilson, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Professor Wilson, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within one was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."
Professor Wilson, smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."
Professor Wilson, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "Idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Professor Wilson, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
When I was in Mumbai, India recently, I saw a sign on a vehicle that said, 'English speaking taxi driver'.
I thought to myself,
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when this really ugly looking guy walked into the bar.
She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum. Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your number, sexy.'"
I replied, "Have you got a pen?"
He smiled and said, "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
The Priest and the Pilot
A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Mike, retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, 'I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary's church for the last 51 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"
Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him dear......."
Englishman, Scotsman and the 3 Cookies
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
He says to the baker,
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
The Scotsman says:
Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends."
One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.
Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?" Asked Seamus
The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Seamus.
"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Seamus.
"Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like
Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly
$150,000 on booze.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Man: So where is your Ferrari?
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole?
Q: 'Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?'
At the Cock Fight
Q: How do you know if a Polak is at a cock fight?
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
Hillbillies Go Hunting with Guns
If you take an infinite number of hillbillies, and put each in a pickup truck. Next give them each a shotgun and an infinite number of rounds. Tell them to go out and shoot at any highway sign that they see, eventually they will produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
A Jewish God
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
'So what are your plans?'
the father asks the young man.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the
young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
"Don't worry, sir, God will
provide," replies the fiance.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?'
Advice From Children
Senior Texting Codes
Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas. Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:
Top 10 Senior Texting Codes
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
A Very Funny Indian Joke
A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Delhi and asked to be taken to the Indira Gandhi airport.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, 'Oh! Toyota - Made in Japan! Very fast!'
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. 'Oh! Nissan - Made
in Japan! Very fast!'
The taxi driver, who was 100% Indian, was starting to get a little annoyed that the Japanese made cars were passing his taxi, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport. 'Oh! Honda - Made in Japan! Very fast!'
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, 'That'll
be Rupees 500.'
The Taxi driver smiled as he replied, 'Meter - Made in India. Very fast.'
Why Do Women Live Longer?
Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims particularly in Afghanistan. Back in the 1990s long before the current Afghan hostility she spotted that women walk about four paces behind their husbands.
When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret that women still walk behind their husbands. She pondered why, despite the establishment of women's rights, wives still pace behind their husbands.
Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
She filed her report back to America with the leader:
Behind every Afghan man, there's a smart woman!
Thanks once again to Ken Green for spotting a funny story.
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
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