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We love humour which delivers the unexpected.  We also think that people who take themselves very seriously, should have fun poked at them.

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What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days ....

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

  • Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
  • Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
  • Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
  • Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Walmart."

Who Would Have Children?

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.  -Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

Numbers Lesson

The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.

"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Michael?" he said.
"That's a "1," Michael replied.

"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Margaret?" Margaret replied "2."

"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised. "Yvonne?"
"3," Yvonne replied. "Very Good," said Mr Thomas.

"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised. "Pat?"
"4 comes after 3!" she said, enthusiastically.

"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6 and 7."
"That's right. Very good, Pat!"
"And after that, 8, 9 and 10!"

"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"My father taught me," Pat answered.
"Well, you have a very caring and attentive father," Mr Thomas said.
"Yes, he's the best!" was Pat's reply.

"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
"Yes," Pat said. "Jack, Queen, King and Ace."

What Harm Can It Do?Youth - v - Age

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Towel nappies because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland In the kitchen. We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club
to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £50,000 ‘People Carrier’ which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest Pub!

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart arse young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartarse who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!

Here endeth the bloody lesson!

WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS

A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:

  • Shovel Blankets or Sleeping Bag
  • Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
  • 4 hours supply of food and drink
  • De-Icer 5Kgs of Rock Salt
  • Torch or lantern with spare batteries
  • Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
  • Tow rope
  • 5 gallon petrol can
  • First Aid Kit
  • Jump Leads

............. I looked a complete idiot on the bus this morning!!!!"

Short Irish Cemetery Jokes

  • The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
    Talk about Dyson with death.
  • I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
  • Just got back from Paddy's wake. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Husband Files Missing Person Report

Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.

Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.

Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.

Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.

Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate.  Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....

Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.

#

Mahatma Gandhi and Professor WilsonFamous Put Downs - L'Esprit d'escalier

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.

Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected ... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Professor Wilson, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Professor Wilson, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within one was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."

Professor Wilson, smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Professor Wilson, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "Idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Professor Wilson, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

British TaxiIndian Taxi Driver Joke

When I was in Mumbai, India recently, I saw a sign on a vehicle that said, 'English speaking taxi driver'.

I thought to myself,
"What a wonderful idea. Why don't we have them in London, England?"

Got That Farmer's Number

Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when this really ugly looking guy walked into the bar.

She told me later: "The wierdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum.  Then he had the nerve to demand, 'Give me your number, sexy.'"

I replied, "Have you got a pen?"

He smiled and said, "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

Thoughts About Women

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein
a man loses his bachelors degree
and a woman gains her masters

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel
a feeling you have never felt before.

YAWN:
The only time when some married men
ever get to open their mouth.

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their
Mistakes.

SMILE:
A curve that can set
a lot of things straight!

The Priest and the Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Mike, retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, 'I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary's church for the last 51 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,  'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached - people slept. When the pilot flew, people prayed...'

Martin Goes to the Dentist

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office.  Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"

Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him dear......."

Englishman, Scotsman and the 3 Cookies

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.  He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Barbie Divorced

  • Work Out Barbie for $19.95
  • Shopping Barbie for $19.95
  • Beach Barbie for $19.95
  • Disco Barbie for $19.95
  • Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
  •  and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends."

Sugar Test

One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel.  He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"  Asked Seamus

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it. 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Seamus.

"No, not at all," says the pharmacist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Seamus.

"Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

See more pharmacist jokes.

The Cost of Drinking

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.

Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

Polish One-linersPolish Jokes and Funny Stories

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the merry-go-round.

Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole?
A: He varnished into thin air!

Q: 'Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?'
A: 'No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?'

At the Cock Fight

Q: How do you know if a Polak is at a cock fight?
A: He's the one with a duck under his arm.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He's bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.

See more funny Polish jokes.

Hillbillies Go Hunting with Guns

Moose Hunters - JokesIf you take an infinite number of hillbillies, and put each in a pickup truck.  Next give them each a shotgun and an infinite number of rounds.  Tell them to go out and shoot at any highway sign that they see, eventually they will produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. 

A Jewish God

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.

'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'

'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.

'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God.'

Advice From Children

  1. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14.
  2. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9.
  3. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10.
  4. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13.
  5. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8.
  6. See more funny advice from children

Senior Texting Codes

Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas.  Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:

Top 10 Senior Texting Codes

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

See more funny senior text codes

A Very Funny Indian Joke

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Delhi and asked to be taken to the Indira Gandhi airport.

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, 'Oh! Toyota - Made in Japan! Very fast!'

Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. 'Oh! Nissan - Made in Japan! Very fast!'
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, 'Oh! Mitsubishi - Made in Japan! Very fast!'

The taxi driver, who was 100% Indian, was starting to get a little annoyed that the Japanese made cars were passing his taxi, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport. 'Oh! Honda - Made in Japan! Very fast!'

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, 'That'll be Rupees 500.'
'Rupees 500? It was short ride! Why so much?'

The Taxi driver smiled as he replied, 'Meter - Made in India. Very fast.'

Why Do Women Live Longer?

Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims particularly in Afghanistan.  Back in the 1990s long before the current Afghan hostility she spotted that women walk about four paces behind their husbands. Why do women live longer?

When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret that women still walk behind their husbands.  She pondered why, despite the establishment of women's rights, wives still pace behind their husbands.

Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

She filed her report back to America with the leader:

Behind every Afghan man, there's a smart woman!

Thanks once again to Ken Green for spotting a funny story.

Don't Mess With the Elderly

Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

See more retirement jokes.

 

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