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 Special Day Today

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school'
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Head teacher!'

See more back to school jokes.

Workmen Paint Yellow Line Over Hedgehog

In Hartlepool, Cleveland, England road workers painted double yellow lines over a hedgehog because these idle toads could not be bothered to move the corpse before applying the yellow liner to this road's curb side.

Florist Allison Hart said she was shocked to see the dead animal with lines on its back and sent a photograph of it to media outlets.

"I couldn't believe it when I saw the hedgehog - it's disgraceful," said Ms Hart, who has been showing the photograph to customers in her store.  "All they had to do is kick it to one side. It's shocking really," Ms Hart said.

As usual, a council jobsworth dug themselves in deeper by, saying the incident was "the only one reported during the massive project".  Wouldn't it have been better to say, 'fair enough' we made a mistake.

Chinese Valentine's Day 16th August.

Tommy Cooper Jokes

• A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
  The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
• Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
• Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
  So he gave me a kite.
• See more Tommy Cooper jokes.

Funny Human Resources Story

A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new head of human resources. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.  He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $500 a week. Why?"

The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Cut The Grass Fast

Let the flagpole take the strain!

Old Flame?

See more World Cup 2010 jokes

Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'

'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'

More Senior Moment Snippets

• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
• I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
• I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers.

See more senior moments ...

Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting to her.

'You know,' said Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me.  What do you think my handicap is?'

'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph?'  Came her quick response.

Will and Guy's Helpful Guide to Female Golfing Terms

• Caddy: 2 women talking about a 3rd, who isn't there to defend herself.
• Chip: Time to get our nails done again.
• Double Bogie: 'Casablanca' followed by 'African Queen'.
• Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
• Good lie: Weight on our driver's license.
• Greens: Lunch we eat when you'd really prefer a cheeseburger.
• Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
• Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
• Slice: No thanks ... just a small portion.
• Par: The children's grandfather.
• Birdie: Another attractive female golfer.
• Wood: Where you can find a ball.

See more of our golf jokes.

Silly, But Funny Jokes From Mexico

• What were the names of the two Mexican fire fighting brothers?  Hose [José] A and Hose B.
• Why doesn't Mexico have a Olympic team?  Because every Mexican that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border in the USA.
• Did you hear about the Mexican who threw his wife over a cliff? When the police officer asked him why he'd done it he said, 'Tequila! Tequila!'
• What kind of cans are there in Mexico?  Mexicans.

Husband-Dragging Contest

You can't keep a good woman down, say Will and Guy.

We are delighted to inform you that as well as the traditional Wife Carrying Championships in Singleton, NSW, Australia now the Countryfest includes the first joint Wife Carrying and Husband Dragging Contest.

We have been told by our Aussie mate, Shane, that the men must act as a dead weight and be pulled by their partner from a makeshift bar "depicting a traditional Aussie weekend where the female drags her man out of the pub."

What fun!

See more husband / wife carrying events.

Five of the Best Short Politician Jokes

1. Only in Britain......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well.
   "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
2. During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.
3. Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular.  Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.
4. Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
5. Nobody can fix the economy.
   Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button.
   Nobody's perfect.
   Vote for Nobody.

Irish Jokes

10 of the Best Short, Funny and Hilarious Irish Jokes To Be Sure:

1. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
   
   'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
2. 'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs.
   
   He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'
   
   O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.'
3. Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
4. Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
   
   The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'.  Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.
   
   After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
5. 'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
   'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
6. Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.'
   
   Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
7. Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television replay.
8. Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
   
   'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
9. O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
   After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
   'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
10. 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'

Ireland's Worst Driver - Mr Prawo Jazdy

This is one of the funniest examples of police humour that Will and Guy have encountered for many a year.

To be sure, your man Prawo Jazdy is a slippery fellow.  He's wanted for 50 different driving offences all over Ireland.  Now, Prawo is clever because every time we book him, his driving licence has a different address.  Every man in the *Garda has a different theory about how this 'Scarlet Pimpernel' escapes the clutches of the law.  Finally, the penny dropped, Prawo Jardy is not a Hungarian name, but the Polish words for Driving Licence.

The Garda had caught 53 different Polish drivers, but thought they were dealing with the same man.  Naturally, the Polish community in Ireland are having a good laugh about Mr Prawo Jazdy.

*Garda are the Irish Police force.

Floor Collapses During Weight Watchers' Weigh-in

Just after Christmas 2009 19 members of Weight Watchers in Växjö, Sweden lined up for their weigh in when they heard a bang as the floor came away from the walls of their meeting room.

"We suddenly heard a huge thud – we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls" one of those present told the Smålandsposten newspaper.

As the Weight Watchers abandoned the room so other parts of the floor started to give way.  Undaunted as no-one was injured, the club member continued their weigh-in in the hallway.  See more funny diet stories and funnies.

Nothing Changes in Politics

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance. - Cicero - 55 BC.  See more Political Jokes.

Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?'  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Page created on   by Guy Thomas

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