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1. He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good. - Russian proverb
2. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. - Stephen Wright
3. It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday. - American Proverb
4. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray
5. Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ? Of course, why would Friday be an exception? - Anon
6. If a funeral car passes you should hide your thumb. – Japanese belief
7. A black cat crossing the street in front of you causes bad luck.
8. A rabbit's foot, a four-clover leaf, or a horseshoe, may ward off bad luck to the owner.
9. Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
10. Luck never made a man wise. - Seneca

See more about bad luck - if you dare!

Funny Swine Flu Pictures and Jokes

We appreciate that swine flu is a serious problem and that people who contract the virus may die. However, throughout history, catastrophes have been resolutely faced by using humour.  We feel that these "jokes" fit that construct. We hope you agree.

Funny Shorts Heard by Will and Guy About Swine Flu

• Swine flu is spread by capitalist pigs
• Swine Fever is a song by Piggy Lee
• I had a bad day yesterday, I made a pig's ear of everything I tried
• I think I have the swine flu. I have the sudden urge to eat bacon
• I think I have swine flu: I've broken out in rashers
• Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though
• Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs fly…
• For a normal flu, we say "achoo", but for swine flu we say "achoink"

See more of our swine flu humour

Good Insurance Policy?

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer's haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000 USD] the amount of insurance on the barn.

'We don't give you the money,' a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.' 

'In that case,' replied the wife, 'cancel the policy I have on my husband.'

See more funny marriage jokes

Seeing Pink Elephants

If a friend tells you they are "seeing pink elephants", then this is serious.   What it means is they are suffering delirium tremens.  The condition and the accompanying hallucinations are caused by alcohol poisoning.

Baby Pink Elephant

However, this cameraman, Mike Holding, had definitely not been drinking when he captured these photos of a pink elephant in northern Botswana, Africa. Experts believe it is probably an albino, which is an extremely rare phenomenon in African elephants. While albinism is thought to be fairly common in Asian elephants, it is much less common in the larger African species.

Here we see the baby pink elephant attempting to shelter under its mother because surviving is very difficult in the harsh African bush as the glaring sun may cause blindness and skin problems.

Fast Phone Service!

Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell-phone, was a frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge Café, in Brooklands Road, and was greatly inconvenienced when the 'phone broke down.

He made repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company only made promises.

After several days, Ian, decided to contact the phone company again and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He added that the 'phone was now working fine, concluding with 'except that all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.'

A repairman arrived within the hour.

10  Silly Jokes.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
9. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
10. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

Silly Billy - But Who is Going to Tell Him?

See more silly jokes

Ludicrous Vice Presidential Faux Pas to Make You Giggle

Dan Quayle was Vice President of the USA between 1989-1993. He quickly became famous for his faux pas when speaking. Here we offer ten examples of funny political quotes for you to enjoy:

1. Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
2. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
3. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a "part" of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a "part" of Europe.
4. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
5. Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
6. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
7. It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
8. I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
9. I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
10. For NASA, space is still a high priority.

'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.  The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass
• The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne
• The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne
• The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese
• The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'

Willard Wigan

Willard Wigan specialises in micro-art.  Masterpieces on a pin-head.

In 2007 Willard deservedly received an MBE for services to art from HRH the Prince of Wales.

 Shortly after his award, Lloyds of London commissioned Willard to create a replica of their iconic London Building as designed Lord Richard Rogers. However, Willard's masterpiece was on a pinhead.

See more about Willard Wigan

Put a Smile on Your Face at Sunset

See more interesting sunsets

Credit Crunch Jokes

Credit Crunch One Liners

• The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.  The car's been repossessed.
• A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
• How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on Sunday night.
• A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?'
  'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
• What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza Margherita?  A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.

See more Credit Crunch Humour

Husband dressing after a game at his club

Here is one of the funniest videos that Will and Guy have seen.

The phone rings and the husband takes the call.  See what happens.

See more good clean jokes and funny pictures:

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