Saint Patrick's Day Jokes

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Saint Patrick Day Jokes that made Will and Guy Laugh

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. Hugh Leonard

Think of this page as a sitemap for St Patrick's Day jokes, and funny Irish stories.

St Patrick’s Day Costume Goes Missing

Will and Guy have discovered that a 6 foot tall costume in the shape of pint of Guinness has gone missing from Eastpointe, near to Detroit in the USA.

This excessively large green pint worth about £6,200 [$3,000 USD] and originally from Ireland, appears to have been stolen in order for the crooks to use it on their 17th March – St Patrick’s Day celebrations.

Will and Guy fail to believe that the robbers will get away with it as it is so easily recognisable.

What's in the name of Patrick?

On St Patrick's day, 17th March 2008, over 1,000 Patricks and Patricias gathered in Trafalgar square. The point of the gathering was to raise awareness that Patrick as a name may die out in a few generations. If you look at a list of the top 300 names for babies, Patrick is not there. Irish chef Paul 'Paddy' Rankin, organized the event to raise awareness of the demise of the name Patrick.

As a sign of the times, the current record for the most people with the same name stands at 1,096 Mohammeds. The organizers claimed that Patricks broke the record on 17th March 2008. Will and Guy wonder who checks the birth certificates? Also does it count if Patrick is your second or third Christian name?

About St Patrick

Legend has it that St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. It is also claimed that he had a way with words, and used the three leaves of the Shamrock to explain the Trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Question: does March 17th commemorate St Patrick's birth or his death, clue the Irish love their wakes. Answer, St Patrick died on March 17th 461 AD.

It often happens that there are not many Irishman celebrating St Patrick's day in Ireland. The reason is simple they will all be at Cheltenham Festival for the racing craic.

Incidentally, the first celebration of St Patrick's day in America was 1737 in Boston.

Celtic Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again

May God hold you in the hollow of his hand

Flying to Dublin

'Hello, Aer Lingus?' said Paddy Murphy, 'Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?' .

The voice on the telephone said, 'I'll see sir, just a minute.'

'Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye', Paddy said as he hung up.

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Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, 'How can you come here', she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, 'and drink that awful stuff?' .

'Now!' he cried, 'And you always thought I was out enjoying meself.'

Judgement

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.

'Now don't let me ever see your face again, 'said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

'I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, 'said the released man.

'And why not?'

'Because I'm the barman at your regular pub.'

You Can't Believe Everything You Read In The Papers

Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly.

'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot. 'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

No Hiding Place

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Heir the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'O, bejabbers,' said O'Heir, 'And how did this one end?'

'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really?' cried O'Heir, 'now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'

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