Will and Guy's Clean Irish Jokes

 Will and Guy's Good But Clean Irish Jokes

• Look to The Moon
• Moon Jokes
• It's All in The Name
• You Can't Believe Everything You Read In The Papers
• No Hiding Place
• 5 More Clean Irish Jokes

Look to The Moon

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.  Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

Footnote, funny how one joke reminds you of another.

Moon Jokes

• After the Americans went to the Moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
  
  Murphy objected. 'If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!'
  'What do you think we are, stupid?' Seamus replied. 'We'll send our man at night!'
• Paddy and Seamus have just opened a new restaurant on the moon.
  It serves great cheese dishes, but the atmosphere is terrible.
• How can you tell when the moon is going broke?
  You can see that the moon is down to its last quarter.

More Irish Tall Tales

You Can't Believe Everything You Read In The Papers

Dermot McCann opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly 'phoned his best friend Reilly.

'Did ye see the paper?' asked Dermot. 'They say I died.'
'Yes, I saw it.' replied Reilly. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

It's All in The Name

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

A True Tale Begorrah!

Father Sean O'Leary, a Dublin parish priest, was jumping up and down as he urged his choir to put more effort into singing the hymn: "I Wonder Where I'm Bound", when an iron grid collapsed and he disappeared into a heating duct.

Cartoon right: Mark Parisi

No Hiding Place

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Heir the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'O, bejabbers,' said O'Heir, 'And how did this one end?'

'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really?' cried O'Heir, 'now that's a switch!  What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.' 

5 More Clean Irish Jokes

The Reunion
An Irishman, Kevin, and an American, Clint, are sitting in the bar at Cork Airport supping Guinness.
'I've come to meet my brother,' says Kevin. 'He's due to fly in from Chicago in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in 40 years.'

'Will you be able to recognize him?' asks Clint.
'I'm sure I won't,' responds Kevin, 'after all, he's been away for a long time.'

'I wonder if he'll recognize you?' questions Clint.
'Of course he will, 'replies Kevin. 'Sure, an' I haven't been away at all.'

Keep on Winning
Two Irishmen have just won €500,000 in the Irish lottery and they are now having a pint in O'Malley's bar.

Timothy turns to say to Seamus and says, 'What about all them begging letters?'

Seamus replies, 'Oh, we'll just carry on sending them.'

Speak the Language
'Kearney, do you understand French?'
'I do if it's spoken in Irish.'

Fed up to the Teeth
'That's my lot,' said McCarthy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'

Ready and Waiting
O'Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, 'Hurry up or we'll be late.'
'Oh, be quiet,' replied his wife. 'Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?'

Irish Joke (Lost Title)

We have lost the title of this item.  Will thinks it should be called Mail Order, while Guy thinks the lost title is Male Order.  Please read this clean Irish joke and make up your own mind!

Mail / Male Order

Two Irish men, Kearney and O'Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.  Kearney remarks to O'Riordan, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

O'Riordan replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.  And look at the price.'

Kearney says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.  At this price, I'm buying one.'

O'Riordan, smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea.  Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O'Rordan, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalogue?'

O'Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now.  She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

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