Irish Jokes for Saint Patrick's Day

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Saint Patrick's Day Jokes that made Will and Guy Laugh

It would be a shame if 'Political correctness' prevented people telling the best of 'Irish Jokes'.

Apparently there is something deep in the human psyche about telling such 'Irish' jokes. Every culture tells similar stories, they just change the names. For example in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerry men for Irish. And in County Kerry they would substitute 'West Kerry men' for Irish.

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Digging a Hole

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

How many Ducks? - Funny Irish Logic

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back Will and Guy's Irish Jokes

'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy

'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy

'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'

'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly

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Two heads are better than one

An American tourist travelling in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*. Joke Brian Boru Skull

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you', said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.' Joke Brian Boru Skull

'You cheat', exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago', and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'You have got it wrong', opined the seller, 'This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (A.D. 940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland. In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat. Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.

Defining Quality of Irish Jokes

What set's Irish jokes apart is their special logic. Indeed, it is this ability to use words with multiple meanings that is the essence of jokes. Here are three examples of playing with phrases which have more than one meaning.

Irishmen Flying High

Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'

'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy, ' don't do that, we'll fall out.'

'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'

Classic Irish Joke

Dave and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies replies, 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

Father O'Connor - Irish Joke from Cork

Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'

Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.

The Reverend Father goes the the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'

The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'

Footnote:
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See more St Patrick's Day jokes and funny Irish stories :

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