Seen in the University of Texas student newspaper: Sweet, little
old Jewish lady wishes to see U.T. undergraduate at Yom Kippur.
Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials: J.A.S.
Signed, His Mother.
Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to
skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and
instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course.
He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi
severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he
had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the
course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him.
Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'
A Priest and a Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi are
discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the
discussion turns to repentance.
Rabbi Shimon Ben Gamliel explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of
Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the Father John tells him
all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife, Deborah,
about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom
Kippur.
Deborah turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, 'What's so funny,
dear?'
Deborah's response, '40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even
when it comes to sin, the goyyim* pay retail.....'
*Goyyim is a term for a gentile or non-Jew.
Save Me Lord
David Greenbaum is a devoutly religious
man who believes in the power of prayer. His house is caught in the
rising waters of a devastating flood.
A row boat comes by to rescue him; he refuses it because he waits for his
God to save him. As the waters rise Greenbaum climbs higher and higher up
his house, refusing each successive boat that comes by.
Finally he drowns and goes to heaven. He complains bitterly to the Lord
that he was such a good Jew and yet the Lord had forsaken him 'How can
you say that, David?' the Lord retorts. 'I sent four boats for you.'
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking together one day in
Central Park. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a
snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see more than a foot in front of him.
He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to
walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for
miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 metres away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a
heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to
capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for
several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to
return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Sabbath morning, on the way home
from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad of £20 notes in the gutter. Of
course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So
he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still
Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
When to Call For a Priest
Joshua is on his death bed late one night with the wind howling and the
rain beating down fiercely.
His wife Rachel comes in and asks if she can do anything for him.
Joshua replies, 'There is one thing. Call a priest.' 'Darling, Josh,
you're delirious. You mean a Rabbi?'
'No I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late on such a night?'
Help!
Daniel is walking along a coastal path with a sheer cliff alongside. He
slips and falls down the cliff, grabbing desperately for something to hold
on to. Luckily he manages to catch himself on a hanging branch.
Looking down at the long fall below him, Daniel turns his eyes toward the
heavens and says, 'God, I'm sorry that I never really believed in you, but
if there's anybody up there, please help me.'
A still small voice comes down from heaven and says, 'Do not worry my
son. Now have faith in me. All you need to do is let go, and I will
save you from the fall.'
Daniel looks down again at the jagged rocks below him and up to heaven
and says, 'Is there anybody else up there?'
»
Triple XXX
Samuel Cohen was the oldest of seven children. Unfortunately, he had to
leave school early and work to help support his younger brothers and
sisters. So Samuel never learned to read.
Years later when he married and opened a bank account, he signed his
cheques just "XX".
Samuel then started his own tailoring business in Golders Green, London,
which soon prospered. He became a very rich man.
One Thursday, he got a call from his bank, 'Mr. Cohen, I wanted to ask
you about this cheque. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these
years, you've been signing your cheques, "XX"; this one is signed with three
X's.........'
Samuel sighed, "Since I've become rich, my wife thought I should have a
middle name.'
While there are elements of joy and celebration, Yom Kippur is a
deeply religious occasion. The customs and symbols of Yom Kippur reflect
the holiday's dual emphasis, happiness and humility.
Yom Kippur, Will and Guy have been told is celebrated with sweet
foods, like apples dipped in honey and honey cake, as a wish for a sweet
year. Some families also celebrate with symbolic foods like the head of a
fish, pomegranates, and carrots.
The head of a fish is so that we can be "like the head and not like the
tail." This is a symbol of having a year in which we are on top and not the
bottom. Pomegranates are symbolic of plenty. We want plenty of health and
happiness for the New Year, just as many good things as there are seed in a
pomegranate. Thousands say Will and Guy.
Carrots are also eaten and it isn't just to see better in the dark. For
Ashkenazi Jews, carrots symbolize the Yiddish word "merren" which also means
more. We want more of all the good things in life. More health, more
happiness, more success. For Sephardic Jews, carrots are symbolic of the
phrase "Yikaretu oyveychem" which means may your enemies be cut down. We ask
that those who wish bad for us not get their wish, that they don't succeed.
Round challots [bread] are made with honey and raisins. These are another
symbol of a sweet and happy year. We put decorations on the Challot, such as
birds which symbolise doves of peace.
A shofar is a horn, traditionally that of a ram, which is used for Jewish
religious purposes. Shofar blowing is incorporated in synagogue
services on both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
Ten days after the start of Rosh Hashanah comes Yom Kippur. Jews
all over the world do not eat or drink for 24 hours. Yom Kippur is a day for
thoughts and prayers generally at the synagogue. All adults are required to
fast. Boys and girls before their Bar or Bat Mitzvahs are not required to
fast. People that are too ill to fast are also not required to fast.
After the Yom Kippur services the fast is broken by having breakfast. Now
the real party begins with the breaking of the fast. It is tradition to
celebrate this with a hearty spread of food that may include, for example,
challah, [a bread] pickled and smoked fishes and bagels with cream cheese.
Round challots [bread] are made with honey and raisins. These are another
symbol of a sweet and happy year. We put decorations on the Challot, such as
birds which symbolise doves of peace.
A shofar is a horn, traditionally that of a ram, which is used for Jewish
religious purposes. Shofar blowing is incorporated in synagogue
services at Yom Kippur.
NB. The Jewish calendar date begins at sundown of the night beforehand,
Will and Guy have learned. Thus all holiday observances begin at sundown on
the secular dates listed, with the following day being the first full day of
the holiday. Jewish calendar dates conclude at nightfall.
Footnote Will and Guy are keen to collect more Yom
Kippur jokes and funny stories.
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