Funny Golf Stories

Will and Guy's Funny Golf Stories

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.  Unknown

• Golf - Below Par?
• Golf swindler
• Will's Favourite Golf Story
• Ladies Tea
• Desert Island Castaway
• Funny Comments and Truisms about the Game of Golf
• Would you get married again?

Golf - Below Par?

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'

'Yes', Robert answered

'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?'

'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.

'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down.  Now, what do you intend to do about it?'

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'

Will's Favourite Golf Story

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Crookhorn municipal golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy:
'WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE PLEASE.'

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder', Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled', Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE.'

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back', Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot'

Ladies Tea?

Ladies golf course conditions:

1. Have done the dishes
2. Have you done the washing?
3. Have you cooked your husband's tea?

If you have done these simple tasks, you may proceed.

Some Amusing Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say about Golf

• I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
  Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6
• I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping
• Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs

God and St Peter decided on a round of golf in heaven

Peter is a testament to material values, decked out as he is in the latest golf fashion, with a brand new set of clubs and all the accoutrements.

God, in contrast, is a picture of virtue wearing his old gardening clothes and trailing a tatty old canvas bag with a real mixture of ancient and rusting clubs, some of which even have hickory shafts.

On the first hole St Peter smacks a beauty 275 yards straight down the middle.
God, however, tops his drive that trickles along the ground.

It only travels about 70 yards but just before it's about to stop a rabbit runs out of the gorse, grabs the ball in its mouth and hurtles off down the fairway while St Peter watches in astonishment.

Before the rabbit can reach safety, however, a magnificent eagle swoops down and snares the rabbit in its talons before rising majestically, the rabbit still struggling in its grasp but defiantly holding the golf ball in its mouth.

As the eagle soars over the green a bolt of a lightning from a clear blue sky strikes it, killing the bird instantly. It drops the rabbit, which in turn drops the golf ball, which strikes a sprinkler head at the side of the green and takes one bounce straight into the hole for an ace on a par-5 hole.

St Peter slowly turns and says to God: 'Are you going to show off all day or are we here to play golf?'

More Funny Golf Stories

Desert Island Castaway

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks', Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies', I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' Amazing', he notes.' You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?' Oh, that was no problem', replied the woman.' On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place', she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually', It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' No! No thank you', he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' It's not coconut juice', winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces', I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing', he muses.' What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me', she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him', We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something You've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.' You mean .. ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

'Don't tell me You've built a Golf Course!!!'

Why does a golfer need two pairs of trousers?  In case he has a hole in one

It's the most glorious happening in the game of golf. It's what every golfer dreams about. A hole-in-one. Will and Guy have learned of a man who has recorded five holes-in-one in a week. Yes, indeed, FIVE. Central Illinois amateur golfer Curt Hocker, who plays at the El Paso Golf Club, is that man.

The 22-year-old has recorded five holes-in-one in the last week, including two on Saturday. Mr Hocker has seven aces: five on par-4s, and two other double eagles.

We are pleased to be able to tell our readers that Curt Hocker is very glad that his club membership comes with 'hole-in-one insurance.'  That 'insurance' means the club, and not Hocker, has to honour the golf tradition of buying everyone in the clubhouse a drink after an ace is made. 

'I think the golf course is getting mad at me for all the drinks,' Hocker said. 'It's hard to talk about, but it's awesome to have it happen.'

Footnote:
Please send Will and Guy your favourite funny golf story

Would you get married again? - Funny Golf Story from Art Burley

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
Silence -
HUSBAND:
'Oh dear.. *****'

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