Golf Jokes, Funny Stories and One-liners

Will and Guy's Golf Jokes, Funny Stories and One-liners

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.  Bob Hope

• Mr Angry - Golfing
• Golfing Priest
• Golf - Below Par?
• Golf swindler
• Will's Favourite Golf Story
• Great Golf One-liners
• Desert Island Castaway
• Classic Golf Joke
• Golf Partner
• Would you get married again?

1) Mr Angry - Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'

'That would be too much of a coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

2) Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?'

The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.'

3) Golf - Below Par?

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'

'Yes', Robert answered

'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?'

'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.

'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?'

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'

4) Golf swindler: (Guy's Favourite Golf Joke)

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.

5) Will's Favourite Golf Story

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Crookhorn municipal golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy:
'WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE PLEASE.'

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder', Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled', Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE.'

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back', Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot'

Looking for Adventure racing equipment? Need to get some American football equipment. A huge sports fan and in need of some quality Sports caps and hats. Then look no more. Come to Sports Media today!

6) Great Golf One-liners:

• Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill 
• You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works: Lee Trevino
• It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
• These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
• If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
• The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
• I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
• After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

7) Desert Island Castaway

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks', Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies', I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' Amazing', he notes.' You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?' Oh, that was no problem', replied the woman.' On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place', she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually', It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' No! No thank you', he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' It's not coconut juice', winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces', I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing', he muses.' What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me', she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him', We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something You've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.' You mean .. ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

'Don't tell me You've built a Golf Course!!!'

8) Classic Golf Joke

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?'

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

9) Golf Partner

Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda.

'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John Gumby.'

10) Would you get married again? - Another Golf Joke from Art Burley

WIFE:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
Silence -
HUSBAND:
'Oh dear.. *****'

More Golf Jokes and Golf Pictures

Please send Will and Guy your favourite golf jokes

See more sports jokes and funny stories:

● Sports Home   ● Golf Jokes   ● Funny golf pictures   ● Funny golf video   ● Basketball   ● Soccer

● Colemanballs   ● Cricket   ● Cricket nicknames   ● Rugby nicknames   ● Sports nicknames   ● Home

Joke of the day Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every day, no strings attached, just part of our free service.  Subscribe to Will and Guy's Joke of the Day. We have over 1,000 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, funny stories and amusing videos.  Please use the Search box below to find a topic of particular interest:	Jokes for mobile phones / cell phones Will and Guy now have clean jokes and funny pictures formatted for 'mobi' or cell phones.  Discover more about our 'mobi' sub-site If you enter the following uri into your mobile or cell phone, then you can view Will and Guy's site on your handset:  http://guy-sports.com/mobi/
Web Search this site for jokes Email Guy and send your joke or funny picture to:   ● Home   ● Latest Pages