Golf Jokes, Funny Stories and One-liners

Will and Guy's Clean Golf Jokes, Funny Stories and One-liners

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.  Bob Hope

• Golf Swindler
• Mr Angry - Golfing
• Golfing Priest
• Golf - Below Par?
• Great Golf One-liners
• Funny Comments About the Game of Golf
• Classic Golf Joke
• Funny Golf Stories
• Top 10 Golf Caddy Comments

Great Golf One-liners:

• Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill 
• It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
• These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
• If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
• The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
• I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
• After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

Three Cheating Golfer Jokes

Golf Swindler: (Guy's Favourite Clean Golf Joke)

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented his friend.

'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.

Golf Partner

Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda.

'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John Gumby.'

The Language of Golf

Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make this putt.'

Everyone takes him up on the bet.  Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.'

Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'

Mr Angry - Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'

'That would be too much of a coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

More Golf One-liners

• The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. - Ben Hogan
• The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. - George Deukmejian
• Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. – William Wordsworth
• You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works. - Lee Trevino
• Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole, my son?'

The young man says, 'An iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.'

Golf - Below Par?

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'

'Yes', Robert answered

'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?'

'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.

'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?'

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'

Funny Comments and Truisms about the Game of Golf

• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably not yours.
• Golf balls are like eggs; they're white, and they're sold by the dozen. Also you need to buy fresh ones each week.

   ♪

• Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt: for a 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut Rules of Golf.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Hazards attract, fairways repel.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, the probably shot an eight.

Classic Golf Joke

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun?  What's a golf gun?'

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

Ten Marvellously True But Very Funny Sayings about Golf

1. I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky
2. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that - Gardner Dickinson
3. I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
4. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
5. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
6. Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
7. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
8. I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
9. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
10. Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill

Will and Guy's Top 10 Golf Caddy Comments

1. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
   Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
2. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
   Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
3. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
   Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
4. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
   Caddy: Eventually.
5. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
   Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
6. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
   Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass.
7. Golfer: How do you like my game?
   Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
8. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
   Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.
9. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
   Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
10. Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
    Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

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