After a
particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth
hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
As he was
walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him
and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes
ago?'
'Yes', Robert answered
'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of
bounds and completely off the golf course?'
'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.
'Well', said the
policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed
through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed
into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do
about it?'
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close
my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.'
'Why do you say that?'
asked his friend.
'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.
'That's
entirely possible', commented his friend.
'Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda
asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks,
'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously
over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about
anyone else on the course?'
'Of course I wouldn't,' states Amanda.
'Well,' mutters Alex, 'neither does John Gumby.'
The Language of Golf
Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60 foot breaking
putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, 'I can make
this putt.'
Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet
and says, 'You all owe me a dollar.'
Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a
dollar upon which he wrote, 'I can make this putt.'
Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works: Lee Trevino
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi
Rodriguez
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's
luck
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play
worse
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is
actually the beginning of the next group of three
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his
ideas about the golf swing
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably
not yours
Golf balls are like eggs; they're white, and they're sold by the
dozen. Also you need to buy fresh ones each week
Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind
during your swing
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt: for a 10
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut
Rules of Golf
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look
down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching
the ball if you ever want to see it again
Hazards attract, fairways repel
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six
or a seven, the probably shot an eight
I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the
clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated
than that - Gardner Dickinson
I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm
having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
Golf! You hit
down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The
lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
I'd like to
see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the
rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
If you think it's hard to meet new
people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
Golf is a game
whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons
singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill
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