Funny Library Stories

Funny Library Stories

Book lovers need never go to bed alone.

• Record Fine
• Funny Things Found in Returned Books
• Library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf
• The Plot Thickens
• Circus Strongwoman - Can you help her
• Funny But "Less Successful" Children's Book Titles

Funny Library Stories - Record Fine

Reported in The Guardian on Thursday 9 February, 2006:

A public library book issued in 1945 has amassed an overdue fine of NZ $9,000 ie [£3,500 GBP; $ 6,101USD]

'The Punch Library of Humour' book was borrowed from the library in Rotorua, 288 miles north of the capital, Wellington, 61 years ago, but was recently found among family belongings in Marie Sushames' attic. Ms Sushames was presented with the fine on her 85th birthday, Rotorua's Daily Post newspaper reported yesterday. The library's manager, Jane Gilbert, said she would be delighted to waive the charges in return for the privilege of displaying a book which had been 'out for 61 years'. 

Funny Things Found in Returned Books: by Librarian Jan Bild

The Guardian newspaper is to be thanked for bringing this article to our attention having interviewed former librarian, Jan Bild, in Worthing after a 30 year career working in libraries.

The following strange articles were found in the books returned to the library:

1. A rasher of uncooked bacon [presumably a book mark]
2. A £10 note
3. A shoelace
4. One large feather
5. A bag of hashish in a hole gouged in the book's centre pages
6. A Pension book
7. Love letters to Edith
8. Vomit [sorry]
9. Photos
10. Page where every letter 'O' had been coloured in
11. Excrement [sorry again]
12. Bank statements
13. Spaghetti

Library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf

Funny library story by David Rennie (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph)

A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to 'lend out' living people, including homosexuals, drug addicts, asylum seekers, gipsies and the physically handicapped.

The volunteers will be borrowed by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice. The library's director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media.

Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism. The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalised members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.

'It has caused a lot of interest, a lot of people have already called with questions like: do I need a library card?' said Mr Krol. Borrowers of people will not need a card, he said, though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items, such as books. There will be no fines for returning people late, he added.' Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed. To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café.'

Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots, and hopes to launch the project next month. He said: 'I've got several gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers, I've got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman who has been living on social security benefits for many years in real poverty.' Mr Krol said he was especially keen to find members of Holland's small Roma gipsy community after a recent attack on two gipsy families in the city of Enschede.

Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website. Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment. Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses.' Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything, 'he said.' And there are no costs at all, only two cups of coffee.'

By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph)

The Plot Thickens

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, 'I have a complaint!'

'Yes, Ma'am?' said the librarian looking up at her.
'I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.'

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, 'What was wrong with it?'
'It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever,' said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, 'Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our 'phone book.'

Footnote:
Have you noticed how one story reminds you of another, well, here is another funny library story.

Circus Strongwoman - Can you help her?

Sylvia Brumbach, a circus strongwoman who rips up telephone directories as part of her act has launched an appeal for 500 ' phone books to ensure her show can go on. German-born Sylvia, also known as 'The Woman of Steel' , says she is about to run out of books after destroying over 100 at Blackpool Tower Circus in Lancashire, UK. 

'I just brought 200 over from Germany ... I've used over half of them already, 'she told a reporter from the LA Times. Brumbach, who says she can tear a directory in half in around 30 seconds, has placed ads in local newspapers appealing for more books.' You have to find the right point to rip, the book must not be too old and the spine must be tough, not wobbly', she said. M/s Brumbach also is known to juggle with bowling balls and steel bars.

See more Library Jokes

Circus Strongman? (Not a library story, but follows on nicely)

Barney, the strongman, in the Circus Amsterdam squeezed the juice from an orange between his hands.

Barney, then said to the audience, 'I will offer £200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this orange.'

A thin, scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the orange, strained hard and managed to get a drop of liquid.

Barney, the strongman, was stunned and he paid the woman and asked her, 'What is the secret of your strength?'

'Practice,' the woman replied smiling. 'I was the treasurer of the local church restoration fund for twenty-five years.'

Will and Guy's Top Twenty of Funny But "Less Successful" Children's Book Titles

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. Curious Ricky and the High-Voltage Fence
3. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
4. Strangers Have the Best Candy
5. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
6. Pop Goes the Gerbil and Other Great Microwave Games
7. Some Kittens Can Fly
8. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
9. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
10. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
11. Dad's New Wife Bernard
12. The Children's Guide to Hitchhiking
13. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
14. You Were an Accident
15. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
16. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
17. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
18. Your Nightmares Are Real
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
20. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Footnote:
If you have any funny library stories, then please email them to us.

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