Library Jokes and Funny Library Stories

Library Jokes and Funny Library Stories

Book lovers need never go to bed alone.

• Actual Questions Asked of Librarians
• Library Jokes and One-liners
• Funny Library Stories - Record Fine
• The 15 Shortest Books Ever Written
• Funny Library Rules
• Library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf

Actual Questions Asked of Librarians:

• Do you have books here?
• Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
• Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?
• Where in the library can I find a power socket for for my hairdryer?
• Do you have that book by Rushdie, 'Satanic Nurses' ? [Actual title: 'Satanic Verses' ]
• I am seeking a directory of laws that I can break, so that I would be returned to jail for a couple of years.
• Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?

Funny Library Stories - Record Fine

Reported in The Guardian on Thursday 9 February, 2006:

A public library book issued in 1945 has amassed an overdue fine of NZ $9,000 ie [£3,500 GBP; $ 6,101USD]

'The Punch Library of Humour' book was borrowed from the library in Rotorua, 288 miles north of the capital, Wellington, 61 years ago, but was recently found among family belongings in Marie Sushames's attic. Ms Sushames was presented with the fine on her 85th birthday, Rotorua's Daily Post newspaper reported yesterday. The library's manager, Jane Gilbert, said she would be delighted to waive the charges in return for the privilege of displaying a book which had been 'out for 61 years' . 

The Plot Thickens

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, 'I have a complaint!'

'Yes, Ma'am?' said the librarian looking up at her.
'I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.'

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, 'What was wrong with it?'
'It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever,' said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, 'Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our 'phone book.'

Library Jokes and One-liners

Never judge a book by its movie.  JW Eagan

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.  Groucho Marx

The first book of the Bible is Guinness's.  In the book of Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple.

Why didn't the thief burgle the library?
Because he was afraid the judge would give him a long sentence.

How come the librarian slipped and fell in the library?
Because she strayed into the non-friction section

What did one book say to the other one? 
I just wanted to see if we are on the same page

What do you do if pet starts eating your library book?
Take the words right out of their mouth.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen

The 15 Shortest Books Ever Written

1. Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook
2. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
3. Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
4. Everything Men Know About Women
5. Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
6. A Plan For Prohibition In Australia
7. Safe Places to Travel in the USA
8. The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
9. 1000 Years of German Humour
10. The Fat, Lard, and Cream Diet
11. Americans' Guide to Etiquette
12. Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
13. One-Legged Folk Dances
14. Advanced Subtraction
15. Arctic Water Polo

If you have a variation of this Shortest Book Joke, then please let us know.

Funny Library Rules

• Whenever you are looking for an important book it's always out of stock.  However, if you you are looking for an indispensable book, then it's out of print.
• The thinnest books have the longest catalogue numbers.
• In any library, there is only one person who knows where all the books are.  Find them before their boss fires them.
• In any library, the helpfulness of any member of staff is inversely proportional to the number of pens in that person's pocket.
• The student with the most overdue books fails their course.  [One professor we know comes into the college library at the end of every academic year, and asks for the list of students with overdue books.  We cannot help noticing that the list corresponds precisely to the end of term grades. The student with the most overdue books failed their course.]

Top Ten FORBIDDEN Library Titles For Children

1. Gerbil merry-go round, and other great microwave games.
2. Fifty new places to poke a pencil.
3. The little girl who died from eating all her vegetables
4. Why washing clothes causes childhood allergies.
5. Children's guide to hitch-hiking.
6. Flying lessons for kittens.
7. Toys that your neighbours are getting.
8. Where mothers hide treats.
9. Advanced screaming, crying and whinging.
10. How to avoid washing daddy's car.

Library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf

By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph)

A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to 'lend out' living people, including homosexuals, drug addicts, asylum seekers, gipsies and the physically handicapped.

The volunteers will be borrowed by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice. The library's director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media.

Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism. The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalised members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.

'It has caused a lot of interest, a lot of people have already called with questions like: do I need a library card?' said Mr Krol. Borrowers of people will not need a card, he said, though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items, such as books. There will be no fines for returning people late, he added.' Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed. To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café.'

Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots, and hopes to launch the project next month. He said: 'I've got several gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers, I've got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman who has been living on social security benefits for many years in real poverty.' Mr Krol said he was especially keen to find members of Holland's small Roma gipsy community after a recent attack on two gipsy families in the city of Enschede.

Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website. Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment. Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses.' Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything, 'he said.' And there are no costs at all, only two cups of coffee.'

By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph)

Book and Library Quotes

• A good book is the best of friends.  English Proverb
• Choose an author as you would a friend.  Wentworth Dillon
• Your library is your portrait.  Holbrook Jackson
• No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
• 'Classic': A book which people praise but don't read.  Mark Twain
• Books are lighthouses erected in the great sea of time.  Edwin P. Whipple
• In reading, as in eating, an appetite is half the feast.  Anonymous

If you have any good library jokes or library stories, then please email us (address at the bottom of the page).

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