Funny Valentine Chocolates

Valentine Chocolates

Here is Will and Guy's selection of funny Valentine Chocolate, pictures, and jokes.  Enjoy on February 14th, or before.

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man. - Miranda Ingram

• Chocolate Valentine Beetle
• Will's Ten Rules For Eating Your Valentine Chocolates
• Will and Guy Commission Research into Chocolate
• Assorted Chocolate Jokes
• Interesting and Funny Chocolate Trivia for Valentine's Day
• Valentine Chocolate Ideas - Ice Cream

Chocolate Beetle

About 200kgs of melted chocolate was spread over the VW Beetle after it was first wrapped in cling film. Seven people worked overnight to make sure the chocolate car was ready to go on display on the morning of Valentine's Day. According to China News Network, the car attracted many viewers and lovers to the dealer in Qingdao city.

Will's Ten Rules For Eating Your Valentine Chocolates

1. Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do on Valentine's day. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
2. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
3. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
4. The problem: How to get two pounds of Valentine chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
5. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
6. If you can't eat all your Valentine chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
8. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
9. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
10. A nice box of Valentine chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

Will and Guy Commission Research Into Chocolate

Eating chocolate is more stimulating to the heart and the head than kissing, according to new research conducted in 2010.

The study found that at the point the chocolate melted in the mouth, all regions of the brain received a boost far more intense and longer lasting than the mental excitement from kissing.

Chocolate also set the heart pounding, with heart rates for some of the 12 volunteers rising from a resting rate of about 60 beats per minute to as high as 140.

Dr David Lewis, a psychologist formerly of the University of Sussex who led the study, said, 'These results really surprised and intrigued us.'

Dr Lewis, who now runs a private research company called The Mind Lab, added, 'There is no doubt that chocolate beats kissing hands down when it comes to providing a long-lasting body and brain buzz.'

Worth remembering on St Valentine's Day, a box of chocolates for a loved one could be as good as several kisses!

Will and Guy's Top Twenty, Interesting and Funny Chocolate Trivia for Valentine's Day

1. The botanical name of the chocolate plant is "Theobroma Cacao", which means "food of the Gods"
2. The word 'Chocolate' comes from the Aztec word "xocolatl", which means "bitter water".
3. Champagne and sparkling wines do not pair well with milk or dark chocolate because of their acidity, which reacts with chocolate, causing a tart taste to occur. Instead, Will and Guy suggest white chocolate with champagne and dark chocolate with red wines.
4. In 1579, English pirates raided a Spanish ship. Upon finding its cargo of precious cocoa beans they burned the whole ship--they mistook the beans for sheep dung.
5. Some health experts say the purer the chocolate, the better it is for you. Chocolate with a cocoa content of more than 50% is high in magnesium and contains calcium, potassium, sodium and iron. It also has vitamins A1, B1, B2, C, D and E.
6. British people are second only to the Swiss when it comes to chocolate consumption. The average Briton eats 8.6kg of chocolate per year.
7. Great chocolate manufacturers choose their beans in the same way as a wine-maker chooses his or her grape varieties.
8. Although chocolate is not an aphrodisiac, as the ancient Aztecs believed, chocolate contains phenyl ethylamine (PEA), a natural substance that is reputed to stimulate the same reaction in the body as falling in love. Hence, heartbreak and loneliness are great excuses for chocolate overindulgence.
9. Thirty four degrees centigrade. Chocolate melts at just below the temperature of the mouth.
10. Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, "Psycho" which actually took 7 days to shoot.
11. Chocolate is poisonous to dogs, cats and other domestic pets. The ingredient theobromine over stimulates their cardiac and nervous systems, and can cause death.
12. Christopher Columbus is said to have brought chocolate back to Europe after he visited South America in about 1504 but it only reached Britain in the 17th century. At the time it was made into a drink; but only for the wealthy, because of high import duties.
13. Queen Victoria sent specially molded chocolate bars to British soldiers fighting in the Boer War, in South Africa, as a New Year's greeting.
14. In Japan, there is a Valentine's Day tradition called", or "obligation chocolate", which requires that women give inexpensive chocolate to all of the men in their lives.
15. Steric acid, a fat found in chocolate, does not raise cholesterol levels, even though it is a saturated fat.
16. Chocolate has always been included on all American and Russian space flights.
17. American chocolate manufacturers use around 1.5 billion pounds of milk.
18. In 2009, Americans consumed over 3.4 billion pounds of chocolate.
19. Men crave food that is high in fat and salt while women crave chocolate.
20. Chocolate stimulates the same reaction in the body as falling in love from a natural substance that is in chocolate by the name of phenyl ethylamine

Further Funny "Chocolate" Thoughts from Will and Guy

Reasons Why a Chocolate is Better Than a Man

• No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
• After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
• You can share chocolates with your best friend.
• A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
• Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.

Reasons Why a Chocolate is Better Than a Woman

• Chocolate never keeps you waiting.
• Chocolate doesn’t get jealous when you look at another chocolate bar.
• You never have to buy a box of chocolates for a box of chocolates.
• Chocolate doesn’t talk incessantly while you’re watching the football.
• It doesn’t expect you to remember the anniversary of the first time you met.
• Chocolate never tries to chat up your best friend.
• Chocolate isn’t looking for a long term commitment.

Chocolate Wonderland Theme Park in Beijing, China

Will and Guy have recently learned that the Great Wall of China has never looked so tasty: a team of Chinese confectioners have built a 10 metre [33 ft] long replica of the structure entirely out of chocolate in a bid to entice Chinese people to eat more of the sweet stuff.

The chocolate theme park will exhibit creations such as the Great Wall, the Dunhuang Caves and Terracotta Warriors when it opens to the public on the 29th January, 2010 we can report.

A worker adjusts Terracotta Warriors made of chocolate at the Chocolate Wonderland held in Beijing, China on 14th January, 2010

Up to 80 tonnes of chocolate were used in making the displays, which include a mini-army of 560 chocolate replicas of the famous Terracotta Warriors standing to attention on a layer of chocolate flakes. The chocolate wall is made from solid dark chocolate bricks stuck together with white chocolate.  Chocolatier Wang Qilu, informed us that his version of the ancient wall was a feat of engineering in itself, with a carefully constructed crumbling section at one end to resemble the real thing.  He also had to make sure his materials did not melt.

Chocolate

MMMMmmmmmm,
i love chocolate.
white chocolate,
milk chocolate,
dark chocolate,
bittersweet almond joy chocolate
all kinds of chocolate.

a hershey's kiss under an arbour,
an Oreo cookie on the divan,
a Godiva martini on the lake,
a bittersweet chocolate sliver in my cake,
i love chocolate.

smooth chocolate,
rich chocolate,
fragrant chocolate,
touched by vanilla chocolate,
velvet on my tongue chocolate,
MMMMMMMMMmmmmm,
i love chocolate.

Thanks to Desiré Hendricks

Valentine Chocolate Ideas - Ice Cream

Here is a wonderful idea to make a chocolate Valentine.  Combine, ice-cream, dark chocolate, brownie mixture and a liqueur to make a wonderful heart-shaped, mouth-watering desert.

The secret is to make the 'Brownie' biscuit the day before and then assemble the ice-cream sandwich just before you serve it. 

However, making alcoholic ice cream is not easy, it takes practice to get the liqueur blended and frozen.  The good news is that even if the 'failures' don't look elegant, the still taste good.

Ingredients for Valentine Chocolate Brownies

1. A box of brownie mix
2. 2 eggs
3. Half a cup of oil
4. Two table-spoons of instant coffee
5. One tea-spoon of vanilla essence
6. 4 oz of quality dark chocolate, cut into smallish chunks.  (Use your favourite chocolate not a cheap cooking substitute)
7. Three fingers of a liqueur such as Bailey's Cream.  (Will likes to experiment with whisky)

Method to Make Valentine Chocolate Ice Cream

Preheat your oven to 340 degrees.

Lightly grease an '18' x '12' tin (or jellyroll pan).  Top tip, line the bottom with a cake liner.

Mix the liqueur with the instant coffee and vanilla; stir until the coffee is dissolved. In a large bowl, mix the brownie mixture, eggs and oil; stir vigorously.  Add the chocolate pieces. Pour mixture into the tin and coax the mixture out to the edges of the tin.  Place pan in a 340 degree oven. Bake for 13-16 minutes. When brownies are done to your liking (13 minutes for gooey), remove from oven and let cool completely on a wire rack.

To create your sandwich masterpiece: use a heart-shaped cookie to create the brownies.   Take a clean tin and spread out the brownie hearts in a single layer in the pan.  Now get the ice cream from the freezer.   Cut the ice cream into shapes using the same heart-shaped cookie cutter you used for the brownies.

Carefully place the ice cream shape on top of one brownies and cover with another brownie. If you have time, repeat this process to create a double-decker sandwich.  Cover pan of Valentine sandwiches with cling-film (plastic wrap) and immediately place in the freezer.  After about an hour in the freezer, the sandwiches can be individually wrapped in plastic if desired.  For those not on a diet, you could even serve with a dollop of whipped cream.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny Valentine Chocolates pictures, or the real thing!

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