Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so
proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six,"
in spite of her regular objections.
One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late
and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to
leave as well.
Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'
Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many
years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'
A consultant at St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that
while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat] clinic, he
overheard this curious bit of conversation:
Senior surgeon (angrily) : 'For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.'
[a medical device which is used to look into the ears].
Distracted young nurse : 'But doctor, I don't even know your star sign.'
Two Bad One-liners
Boy - Can I buy you a drink?
Girl - Actually I'd rather have the money.
Boy - Go on, don't
be shy. Ask
me out. Girl - Okay, get out.
Bart, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Shane, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Shane shows off his herd
of cattle. Then Bart immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least
twice as large as your cows.'
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?'
''Shane', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?'
A Long Drive
Many years ago Terry Wogan, an Irish radio presenter, said he had just
returned from a holiday in Ireland. Visiting some friends and making
conversation with the taxi driver, he said it was a long drive.
The taxi driver replied: "Sure, but if it wasn't as long it wouldn't
reach the house"!!
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.'
I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest
of the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'
I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'
He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'
¤¤
Well Bad Graveyard Story
Norman Hammond was visiting the cemetery near Chester in England
and he couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone,
clasping his hands and sobbing. Norman went a bit closer and could hear
what the man was saying. 'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating,
'Why did you have to die?'
Feeling he ought to do something to alleviate the man's obvious distress
Norman laid his hand on the his shoulder saying gently, 'Was it someone you
loved very much?'
The man looked up at him and said, 'No, I never met him, he was my wife's
first husband.'
Out of Order?
While in the queue to withdraw cash from the 'hole in the wall'
[ATM] I was asked by an
old lady if I would check her balance. So I pushed her over!
Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in
Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report
that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of
the missing man.
Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35
years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build,
weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.
Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8
inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.
Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal
men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry
a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?'
'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'
Footnote: Please email us your bad jokes that are
funny.
If you like this page then please share it with your friends
See more collections of hilarious jokes, one-liners and
tall stories:
Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every
day, no strings attached, just part of our service. Free
subscription to
our Funny Joke of the Day email.
We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos. Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:
Thought of the Day Subscription
Our offer is to email you an inspirational
'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there
are no adverts. Sign up for our 'Thought of
the Day'.
