Funny Christmas Jokes - Bumper Page

Will and Guy's Clean Christmas Jokes, One-liners, Riddles and Funny Stories

This is our bumper page of clean but very funny Christmas jokes, riddles and stories.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up and asked, 'Did you get my drift?'

• Funny Christmas Jokes and One-liners
• What Boys and Girls Want for Xmas
• Clean Christmas Riddles
• Funny Christmas Stories
• Christmas Quotes
• Xmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes and One-liners

1) Santa's Outfit
How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

2) Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

4) Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.

5) Christmas Pudding Charms
Sterling silver Christmas charms to bring you good fortune.  Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.

6) Curious Question
Why does rain drop, but snow fall?

7) Christmas Joke Pizza
Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him, 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'

8) Denominations
Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.'

9) Christmas Shepherd
One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'

10) See more clean Christmas Jokes

What A Boy Wants For Christmas

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two.'

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

Christmas Riddles

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

When is a boat like a pile of snow?
When it's adrift.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

How do snowmen get around?
On their icicles.

What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
Dinner.  See more very funny Christmas cracker jokes

More Funny Christmas Jokes and Clean One-liners

• Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
• Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.  These, of course, are only round figures.
• What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
• There were two ships. One was painted red.  One was painted blue.  They collided.  At last report, the survivors were marooned.
• The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up and asked, 'Did you get my drift?'
• Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
• Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
• What is a webmaster's favourite hymn?  Oh, dot com all ye faithful! 

Very Funny Christmas Stories

a) Reindeer's Story at Christmas

b) Father Christmas Calls

c) Trust Him?

d) Christmas Spirit

e) Christmas Turkey

a) Reindeer's Story at Christmas

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Names of the other Reindeer

In addition to Rudolph, Santa has nine more reindeer who haul the sleigh the other reindeer are called: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner.  See more clean reindeer jokes and Xmas pictures

b) Father Christmas Calls

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Christmas.'

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

'What's the matter, Al?'  I asked.

'Ummmm, 'replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas.'

c) Trust Him?

On the Sunday before Christmas Reverend Billy Graham was walking down Highland street in Mt Holly, North Carolina on his way to see a parishioner.  However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office.  When the boy had directed him, Reverend Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.' 

The boy replied, 'I think I'll give your sermon a miss. If you don't even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?'

d) Christmas Spirit

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early.'

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

e) Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

See more funny kids Christmas stories

5 Clean Christmas Quotes:

1. 'Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!' Ogden Nash
2. 'Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!' Charles Dickens
3. 'Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign.' Christina Rossetti
4. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
   Just like the ones I used to know,
   Where the tree tops glisten
   And children listen
   To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
   Irving Berlin
5. 'I heard the bells on Christmas Day. Their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the words repeat. Of peace on earth goodwill to men.' Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Footnote:
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