Clean Religious Jokes

Will and Guy's Clean Religious Jokes

We thought long and hard before creating this bumper page of Religious Jokes.  Three things swayed us towards publishing, firstly, these are clean religious jokes, secondly why should the devil have all the best jokes?  Thirdly, what tipped the balances was when a practicing clergyman sent in jokes that he had given his blessing.

• Church News
• A Miracle?
• Ten Commandments
• Charity Begins at Home?
• Church Service with a Difference
• Funny Church Announcements
• Out of the Mouths of Children
• Bumper Selection of Funny but Clean Religious Jokes

Church News

We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications.  Here is a snippet from the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury.

New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet.  All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.

Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.

Church Service with a Difference

Seen on the notice board of a church:
Try heeling our services. (Try our healing services?)
You won't get better.

Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.'

'Well, thank you, 'the preacher replied, 'but why?'

'Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'

Funny Church Announcements

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
• For those of you who have children - and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

A Miracle?

Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

More Clean Religious Jokes

Ten Commandments

Know your Ten Commandments
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.

When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'

The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

Here is the 11th Commandment ....

Charity Begins at Home?

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

Out of the Mouths of Children

The Hand of God
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother commented,

'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'
'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand.'

Bible Study
Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, 'Nothing.'
So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'
Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

Bumper Selection of Funny but Clean Religious jokes

The Lord's Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'

So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

What religion are you?
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'

New twist on Lot's tale
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

1.  Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
2.  Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.
3.  Baptists don't recognise each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

Martin Takes the Bait?

Martin arrived at Sunday school late.  Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Funny Religious Stories

Another Batch of Clean Religious Jokes

Father O'Malley and the Clever Beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland.  One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David.

Both are holding hats to collect contributions.  People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross.  Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

Father O'Malley, the priest, watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, 'Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country?  You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David.'

The man turns to the one with the cross and says, 'Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?'

Big Cheese in Church: a Smelly, Amusing Tale

Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.

The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.

Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'

Funny Father George and His New Suit

For Father's Nicholas's 60th birthday, the congregation at St Mary's, Newark, England, decided to give him a present of a new suit.

Father Nicholas was so moved by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and began his homily with a tear in his eye, 'Today I am preaching to you in my birthday suit.'

Evensong With a Funny Twist

It was an evening church service at St Mark's in the small quiet town of Orson, Maryland, USA, and old Deacon Carrick seemed to be sleeping as he occupied one of the back pews.

In those bygone days, some of the cardinal sins were: chewing tobacco, drinking liquor and playing cards. The message had already been preached, and the reverend was winding up the service.

He said in his usual tone, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But the old deacon was fast asleep.

Then the reverend father said in a little louder and sterner voice, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead in prayer?' But still the old fellow still did not respond.

Finally, the vicar shouted, 'Deacon Garrick, will you lead?'
This time, the old Deacon jolted awake, and, not realizing where he was blurted out, 'It's not my lead - I just dealt.'

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any clean religious jokes.

See more clean religious jokes and funny stories:

• Short Christian jokes   • Clean religious jokes   • Funny religious stories   • Funny Church signs

• Christian jokes   • Church Times & Pews News   • Adam jokes   • God and Eve   • Things God won't ask

• Church video   • Christ at Rio   • Funny religious jokes   • Funny Bible jokes   • Hell   • Home

• What are the commandments?   • Children's letters to God   • Children's religious stories