Funny Religious Stories

Will and Guy's Funny Religious Stories

We thought long and hard before creating this bumper page of funny religious stories.  Three things swayed us towards publishing, firstly, these stories are clean and funny, secondly why should the devil have all the best stories?  Thirdly what tipped the balances was when a practicing clergyman sent in stories that he had given his blessing.

• The Atheist and the Bear
• God and Satan
• Saved by the Bell?
• Email Goes Astray
• Dead Church Story
• A Funny, Thought-Provoking Story

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself. 

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. 

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light.

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'

Saved by the Bell?

In 18th England they started running out of places to bury people.  Consequently, people would dig up coffins and take the bones to a ' bone-house' and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they clergy decreed that they should tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the 'graveyard shift' ) to listen for the bell.

Thus, someone could be 'saved by the bell' Also they could be considered a 'dead ringer.'

Email Goes Astray

This is allegedly based on a true story.  Guy and Will leave the final decision to you:
Mr. Arnold, a businessman from Tulsa, Oklahoma, went on a business trip to Amarillo, Texas. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Paula.  Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. P. Arnold in Rapid City, South Dakota, the wife of a preacher who had just died. The preacher's wife, Penny, took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, Penny hysterically pointed to the message, which read, 'Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.'

Dead Church Story

A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, USA, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon. 

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the 'funeral' .

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a 'dead church', all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each 'mourner' peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. 

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Shaggy Dog Story

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.

The man says, 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

'Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning, "Brave American saves life of little girl",' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' says the man.

'Oh, what are you then?'

'The man says: - 'I am a Saudi!'

The next day the newspapers says, 'Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.'

A Funny, Thought-Provoking Story Not Found in The Bible

Menachim, a Jewish father was troubled by the way his son, Benjamin, had turned out, and went to see Rabbi Goldberg about it.

'I brought Benjamin up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah; it cost me a fortune to educate him, then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?' pleaded Menachim.

'Funny, Menachim, that you should come to me,' commented Rabbi Goldberg. 'Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University; that cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian.'

'What did you do?' inquired Menachim

'I turned to God for the answer,' replied the Rabbi.

'And what did He say?' pressed Menachim.

'God said, 'Funny you should come to me..........'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny religious stories.

See more clean religious jokes and funny stories:

• Short Christian jokes   • Clean religious jokes   • Funny religious stories   • Funny Church signs

• Christian jokes   • Church Times & Pews News   • Adam jokes   • God and Eve   • Things God won't ask

• Church video   • Christ at Rio   • Funny religious jokes   • Funny Bible jokes   • Hell   • Home

• What are the commandments?   • Children's letters to God   • Children's religious stories