Funny Religious Stories. Christian Jokes

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Will and Guy's Funny Religious Stories

We thought long and hard before creating this bumper page of funny religious stories. Three things swayed us towards publishing, firstly, these stories are clean and funny, secondly why should the devil have all the best stories? Thirdly what tipped the balances was when a practicing clergyman sent in stories that he had given his blessing.

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'

God and Satan

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: 'You want hot fudge with that?' And Man said: 'Yes!' And Woman said: 'I'll have one too ...with sprinkles.' And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: 'Try my fresh green garden salad.' And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' And Man replied: 'Yes! And super size ' em!' And Satan said: 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

Saved by the Bell?

In 18th England they started running out of places to bury people. Consequently, people would dig up coffins and take the bones to a ' bone-house' and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they clergy decreed that they should tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the ' graveyard shift' ) to listen for the bell.

Thus, someone could be ' saved by the bell' Also they could be considered a ' dead ringer.'

Email Goes Astray

This is allegedly based on a true story. Guy and Will leave the final decision to you:
Mr. Arnold, a businessman from Tulsa, Oklahoma, went on a business trip to Amarillo, Texas. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Paula. Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. P. Arnold in Rapid City, South Dakota, the wife of a preacher who had just died. The preacher's wife, Penny, took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, Penny hysterically pointed to the message, which read, 'Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.'

Dead Church Story

A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, USA, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon.

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a 'dead church' , all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each ' mourner' peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

Shaggy Dog Story

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl' .

'Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning, 'Brave American saves life of little girl' , 'the policeman answers.

The next day the newspapers says, 'Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.'

Prawn, Cod and Shark Saga

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' Cod shrimp prawn joke

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' , and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.' Where's Christian?' he asked.' He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark' , came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. you're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny religious stories.

Funny Religious Stories