Heroic Failures

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Will and Guy's Heroic Failures

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.
Jules Renard

Heroic Failure or Accident Prone?

This gentleman must rival all comers for the loser of the year award. Found in the Guardian in Jon Henley's 'Diary' column.

Alistair Fellows from Burton-on-Trent was struck by lightning last week and lived to tell the tale.

Amazingly, Mr Fellows had previously narrowly escaped electrocution after cutting through a power cable.

Other mishaps include the following: he has fractured his skull twice, been hit by a runaway lorry, and had a toothbrush surgically removed from his ear. See more Lightning Strikes

Typical Tourist

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.'

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?' 1215, 'answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz - Just missed it by a half hour.'

Heroic Failure - On the Move?

A man who had just returned home from holiday had his luggage thrown away by dustmen. Phil Newbon from Spalding, Lincolnshire, left his luggage on the pavement as he returned home and when he glanced back he realised it was being crushed by grinders inside the back of their dustcart. His clothes, mobile phone, sat-nav, digital camera and gifts for family and friends were destroyed. Even his duty free was being crunched up.

Phil, who says the total value was £1,600, said, 'I couldn't believe my eyes. I only left my bags there while I chatted to a pal after getting a lift back from the airport. Then they were gone and everything was being smashed to pieces. I thought I was being set up for a TV stunt. The council told me people often leave suitcases out for collection and I'm sure that's true. But I doubt they have 25kg of luggage inside, tags still attached and a bag of hand luggage and duty-free next to them.'

Phil is now trying to get compensation from South Holland council, Lincs, but says he has been told he will not get a penny in compensation.

Old Enough?

A man walked into a little corner shop with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the shopkeeper had put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the shopkeeper to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'It's because I don't believe you are over 18. The robber said that he was, but the shop's owner still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driving licence out of his wallet and handed it to the shopkeeper who looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 18 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his swag. The shopkeeper immediately called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he had seen on the licence.

Biter Bit?

A man desperately wanted some beer. He decided that he'd just throw a concrete block through an off- licence window, seize some booze, and run. So he lifted the block and heaved it over his head at the window. The concrete block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

It seems the off-licence window was made of Perspex [acrylic glass]. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Heroic Failure

Early this year, two employees at an airfield near Prestwick, Scotland, apparently decided to steal a life raft from one of the planes. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Some days later they took it for a sail on the river. Presently they noticed a RAF rescue helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at the airfield.

Cool v Dumb

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the cashier said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Can women be heroic failures?

An unidentified English woman, according to the Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some crumpets in the oven.

Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the crumpets when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. Meter Man - Funny Story

A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.

'Oh, 'stammered the woman, 'I was expecting the baker.' The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have a candidate for a heroic failure